Tonight should be a night when I am celebrating with my husband. We are giggling and being silly until he looks at me in all seriousness and will tell me would say about me. It was always as if he was talking about someone else, someone I didn't know. Robert had started to give me the gift of believing in myself. I'm sure this comes as wallop of a surprise for many as yes, I come across as having it all together. I'm strong, remember?
Tonight I feel weak, defeated and so painfully lost that everything seems foreign and hazy. The life, my life, the goals, the dreams that I had seem silly in some ways now. I suppose it isn't enough to do things just for me. It is important to have someone by your side to celebrate with you, along side you. Robert was my biggest cheerleader. I will never know what he saw in me but I hope that maybe someday I might be who he thought I was.
So, what's the big deal? I turned in my last 50 page portfolio tonight and in a weeks time I will officially have my bachelors degree. This was a hard road for the last two years, particularly the last 2 quarters since losing Robert. So I'm done, no fanfare, no fireworks, no giggling, no kind words from the man I adored. Just the closing of the laptop, finishing laundry, feeding the cats and then the not so surprising fury of sobs that racked my body and left me gasping for breath sitting on the bathroom floor.
Sometimes I get angry at myself. Pull it together. What the hell is wrong with you? Lord too many things to write down tonight. I really wish that someone, anyone, could tell me what God's big plan is? Everything happens for a reason right? I will look back at this someday and be able to see the lesson and know I was strong enough to have lived through it. Oh there are lessons, but I hardly need them and I sure as hell don't want them.
I want my husband. I want to feel like I matter. I want to know that someone has my back and will drop everything to make sure I'm ok. I don't want to be the grown up I have to be that bears all the responsibilities and plays nice when all I want to do is lash out.
Realizing I shouldn't be too surprised of where I am at emotionally....school was a distraction, albeit a painful one. Now the noise has stopped and I am left with the silence. I know you need silence and calm to process and grow, but did I have to have it now? This diploma will forever be a reminder of where I was emotionally and learning to deal with the loss of Robert. There is no joy here just relief I am done and an intense void swirling all around me.
Where do I go from here?
