Can't believe it is the last day of 2012. I realize I feel this way every time another year has passed and I'm not quite sure where the time went. This year, as one can imagine, was life altering. Hell who am I kidding, it was all consuming, mind blowing, painful, joyful insanity.
There is a part of me (lord here come the tears) that wants to go running into 2013 and leave behind 2012 with such intense need that my muscles ache. And yet leaving behind 2012 in some ways means leaving behind my love. 2012 was the year I lost my husband. It was the year I became a widow. It was the year I graduated and finally claimed my bachelors degree. I spent time in England and introduced Addy to its beauty. 2012 granted me a month long stay in the hospital waiting for Miss F to arrive in the mist of a massive home remodel. It brought me my beautiful, perfect Lissy. It created a new family with lots of estrogen and a glorious extended family that I am thankful for daily. 2012 showed me the strong and dedicated friends I have in my life that stepped up and stepped in - taking care of me when I couldn't and walking beside me when I could.
But 2012 made me a widow. Just sticks in the back of my throat. Filling out paperwork marking "widow" as my marital status. Let me assure you that sucks in case you were unsure. I truly thought in meeting Robert and finally feeling like I was home, my life was secure, safe, protected. The truth is none of us are those things. We are all since our birth waiting to go back home - whatever/wherever you believe that to be.
I've learned this year to live without Robert physically here with me. People have often said to me, "this will get easier with time" or the fabulous (heavy sarcasm) "time heals all things." I would politely disagree. Dumb-dumbs... It doesn't get easier. You simply learn to live differently. You develop a new normal, a new routine, a new way of living. It doesn't stop the longing for what was and what can never be again.
And things have to change. For me things had to change. Well really, I didn't get to control the change did I? It was thrust upon me without any thought or consideration about what I might want or need. So I chose to change, to attempt to adapt. Isn't that evolution in the making? The strongest survive, they adapt, create features that allow them to survive the new terrain, the new environment. Adapt, adapt, adapt... adapt or die.
So, I adapt...sloppily, clumsily, two steps forward, three steps backwards....but lord help me I did adapt. And I have learned that I am stronger than I thought I was. I am capable of more than I ever imagine. I live in the now, in the moment because I am living proof that nothing is guaranteed, nothing is forever - at least in this physical world. I have changed my belief system, no that's not true, I have found one. I discovered I am a spiritual being. I am thankful. I am grateful. I am honest. I work really hard at taking nothing for granted anymore.
I am true and I love... all of this, in the year I became a widow and had my heart broken in a million little pieces.
So as I move into 2013 with the wisdom of 327 days as a widow - I won't be making any grand resolutions or big promises I know I won't keep. Instead I will continue to put one foot in front of the other, thankful that I am here to do so.
And to my darling Robert, thank you for setting such a shining example of what a husband, son, brother, father, uncle, cousin and friend should be. Thank you for our little Lissy - what a joy she is to us all. Lastly, thank you for loving me without reservations and for the first time showing me that I am worthy and enough.
So long 2012...
Welcome 2013...
~A
