Today as most days filled with emotion - took me by surprise. After a long road - the lawsuit is over. Feels anti-climactic and incredibly depressing at the same time. When I got the email from my attorney, tears filled my eyes and some odd cry escaped my mouth. Soon followed by a conversation with Robert, feeling as if he was slipping further away.
That sounds crazy and I'm laughing and crying as I type it. How can someone who is no longer physically here slip further away? I'm realizing life is not meant for sissy's. At least a life that has been lived, often even when you don't want to live it.
So now, I can close the estate file, sell Robert's car, remove his name from our joint checking account.... see slipping further away. As much pain as it brings seeing Robert's car parked in the garage and his name above mine on the checks I rarely use, it is still a way that our physical lives are intertwined.
When there isn't much to reach for you, you reach for anything.
Please know, that I know - physicality is but one dimension. I do believe and know Robert is still with me, with his family and loving his baby girl. And I am blessed for so many reasons in this life, even with losing Robert when I wasn't ready that complaining or throwing a solo pity-party seems un-grateful for all the good and all the joy that surrounds me.
Losing Robert has pushed me to live a different life. A brilliant analogy I heard one time, is you think you have the story of your life written and bound in front of you. The pages glossy, full and predictable. Then when you least expect it, a few paragraphs, pages or shit even whole chapters are casually torn out, cast aside, floating away in the breeze. And you are left with a gap, a hole, a big empty void. Now not only does the beginning of the story not match the end, the end is no longer. So we write and re-write until the new story of our life emerges with every new day, week, month and year, as if this was how it was always meant to be. It doesn't mean however, that you never look back, double checking - to see if the missing pieces have miraculously reappeared.
I'm exhausted, relieved and sad. Yet still I will continue to write and re-write these new parts of the story of my life. I know two things for sure, my life story thus far has not been one I would have anticipated and I'm certain going forward, the same magic and mystery that flows through us all, will continue to surprise me, challenge me and allow me the luxury to truly live.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Today is the day...
I'm so naive. I seriously believed in my heart of hearts, that I could simply treat today like any other day without my husband. I mean I've managed 364 other ones, right? And well, I did pull it off for a while. I even had myself convinced that today wasn't "the day." A few friends posted on FB and I thought, "gosh, they don't know it isn't today." Aren't our brains amazing? Mine protected me as long as it could until I was ready and able to sit, process, reflect and again, again, again...move forward - after of course losing it. Snot streaming, eyes burning, heaving chest.... losing it.
I've found in a short window of time tonight, I've managed to run through all the fabulous stages of grief, that everyone feels they should talk to you about when you lose someone close. As if knowing the stages exist, will make experiencing them easier, less profound, less significant. Like I am supposed to be able to take a step back and get perspective. I should be able to tell myself that what I'm feeling is normal and anyone in my situation would react the same and everyone understands. Dumb dumbs...
No one understands. Ok that's not true, nor is it fair - in unique and varying ways everyone that has lost someone they were truly close to, has some notion. They have their own perspectives and perceptions of loss. Their relationships were uniquely their own and one that is not identical anywhere else in the world. For this reason - I count myself incredibly lucky.
I loved my husband. No, I didn't just love him, I adored him. From the very first moment...I knew I was meant to be with him. Never before has anyone ever captured my heart and soul in the way that Robert did. I had no doubt that my whole life had been preparing me for this moment. I felt like all the pain and suffering had not been in vain. I saw the pain instead as a teacher, guiding me, pushing me, growing me, so that my own awareness would be so heightened - I wouldn't miss that something magical was happening.
And I did know.
And I never took it for granted.
And I still don't take it for granted. I was lucky and blessed to have been able to call him my husband. I hope that those of you that saw us together, read about our lives on FB, or heard me talk about him - could see what pure magic, came from our relationship. And my loving husband, even now is holding my hand and proving that this world, my world is still magical.
Now he is the teacher and I am learning. I am evolving. I am ever changing and forever changed. This man that brought such joy and love into my life, is showing me that my life can still be filled with joy and love. He is showing me the way. He has not left my side, physically - yes, but he is with me. This I know for sure.
So as today marks the 365th day, the one year anniversary - it marks the last of my firsts as the unwanted widow. As much as a relief this is to have one of everything under my belt, it also means time is moving forward and like it or not, I'm moving with it.
I'm still not sure what will come of this unwanted widow during the next 365 days and beyond...and yet I know inherently that I will be ok. I will be happy. I am oh so blessed to share a love that continues on in ways I never imagined. I am the mother to two beautiful little souls that have been placed in my hands and I know I am privileged to be their mommy. I have amazing friends that regardless of my ask - show up time and time again. And my ever present English family that shows me all to often, that Robert's loves are their loves - no questions asked.
In a few hours, I will slowly, gently close the door on the unwanted widow, the first 365 days.
And I will fling open the new door and new doors coming my way with laughter, love and light in my heart...
So, see you later unwanted widow....
it's been quite the journey...
I've found in a short window of time tonight, I've managed to run through all the fabulous stages of grief, that everyone feels they should talk to you about when you lose someone close. As if knowing the stages exist, will make experiencing them easier, less profound, less significant. Like I am supposed to be able to take a step back and get perspective. I should be able to tell myself that what I'm feeling is normal and anyone in my situation would react the same and everyone understands. Dumb dumbs...
No one understands. Ok that's not true, nor is it fair - in unique and varying ways everyone that has lost someone they were truly close to, has some notion. They have their own perspectives and perceptions of loss. Their relationships were uniquely their own and one that is not identical anywhere else in the world. For this reason - I count myself incredibly lucky.
I loved my husband. No, I didn't just love him, I adored him. From the very first moment...I knew I was meant to be with him. Never before has anyone ever captured my heart and soul in the way that Robert did. I had no doubt that my whole life had been preparing me for this moment. I felt like all the pain and suffering had not been in vain. I saw the pain instead as a teacher, guiding me, pushing me, growing me, so that my own awareness would be so heightened - I wouldn't miss that something magical was happening.
And I did know.
And I never took it for granted.
And I still don't take it for granted. I was lucky and blessed to have been able to call him my husband. I hope that those of you that saw us together, read about our lives on FB, or heard me talk about him - could see what pure magic, came from our relationship. And my loving husband, even now is holding my hand and proving that this world, my world is still magical.
Now he is the teacher and I am learning. I am evolving. I am ever changing and forever changed. This man that brought such joy and love into my life, is showing me that my life can still be filled with joy and love. He is showing me the way. He has not left my side, physically - yes, but he is with me. This I know for sure.
So as today marks the 365th day, the one year anniversary - it marks the last of my firsts as the unwanted widow. As much as a relief this is to have one of everything under my belt, it also means time is moving forward and like it or not, I'm moving with it.
I'm still not sure what will come of this unwanted widow during the next 365 days and beyond...and yet I know inherently that I will be ok. I will be happy. I am oh so blessed to share a love that continues on in ways I never imagined. I am the mother to two beautiful little souls that have been placed in my hands and I know I am privileged to be their mommy. I have amazing friends that regardless of my ask - show up time and time again. And my ever present English family that shows me all to often, that Robert's loves are their loves - no questions asked.
In a few hours, I will slowly, gently close the door on the unwanted widow, the first 365 days.
And I will fling open the new door and new doors coming my way with laughter, love and light in my heart...
So, see you later unwanted widow....
it's been quite the journey...
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Closing things out...
Every day this year has been a milestone approaching the 365th day marking the one year anniversary of losing my husband. Some have been easy, some not so easy and some down right miserable. January and February bring about our anniversary, my birthday, the day I lost Robert, Valentine's Day (stupid ass holiday) and Robert's birthday. Seems I've been preparing all year with baby steps for these 2 months.
There is no rhyme or reason to grieving and I do believe everyone has their own process, their own method of madness. Because really it is madness. Madness = dealing = hopefully coping = hopefully embracing something new... So that's the real deal then right - starting anew. Starting anew by default means you have to finish something.
I've thought a lot lately about finalizing and finishing the things I've been avoiding. In many cases, ok in most cases, these things are insignificant.... If you want to know how unimportant clothes, a car, your last Christmas gift, your job, your facebook account, etc., IS - just ask someone that has been left behind to handle the tasks of finalizing the details.
So what's left for me...closing out a FB account, closing a credit card, cleaning the home office (lord this room is like a black hole to me - I enter it and lose all sense of time and space), selling a car, packing the toiletries that I couldn't bear to do 10 months ago and still want to vomit thinking about it and finally complete the closing of Robert's estate.
These things should be relatively easy to do but...
~there is something about having the FB account open that maybe this is still really one big joke gone wrong and he will send me a message.
~If I leave his credit card open - he might be able to get back to me.
~If I leave his office as is, he can return in his ugly fleece sweatpants, t-shirt and bed-head (yes he really did work from home like this).
~If I sell his car - how will I know when I pull into the garage if he is home?
~If I pack up his toiletries, I will smell him, see him standing next me in our bathroom with toothpaste running down his arm and onto his shirt - and I'm scolding him telling him it has bleach in it and I won't be able to get the bleach out of his shirt - and he smiles and calls me the laundry fairy.
And yes, closing the estate - means all things related to Robert in an official way are done. It is putting the last nail in the coffin.
And it hurts.
Yes, I will take care of these things because it turns out when you hang onto them too long, they begin to suffocate you. Little by little, you feel them closing in until the desire to finish becomes more than the pain to hold off. Because the emotional game of pretending things could be different, is damaging. It is brutal and there are no winners.
So here's to the next 2 months that will again test me. Provide me opportunity to grow, evolve and change. My hand has been forced and I will succumb. May I have the ability to do so with grace, gratitude and the over whelming new reality of what really matters. This is the purest way that I can honor my husband, my children, my family and friends.
There is no rhyme or reason to grieving and I do believe everyone has their own process, their own method of madness. Because really it is madness. Madness = dealing = hopefully coping = hopefully embracing something new... So that's the real deal then right - starting anew. Starting anew by default means you have to finish something.
I've thought a lot lately about finalizing and finishing the things I've been avoiding. In many cases, ok in most cases, these things are insignificant.... If you want to know how unimportant clothes, a car, your last Christmas gift, your job, your facebook account, etc., IS - just ask someone that has been left behind to handle the tasks of finalizing the details.
So what's left for me...closing out a FB account, closing a credit card, cleaning the home office (lord this room is like a black hole to me - I enter it and lose all sense of time and space), selling a car, packing the toiletries that I couldn't bear to do 10 months ago and still want to vomit thinking about it and finally complete the closing of Robert's estate.
These things should be relatively easy to do but...
~there is something about having the FB account open that maybe this is still really one big joke gone wrong and he will send me a message.
~If I leave his credit card open - he might be able to get back to me.
~If I leave his office as is, he can return in his ugly fleece sweatpants, t-shirt and bed-head (yes he really did work from home like this).
~If I sell his car - how will I know when I pull into the garage if he is home?
~If I pack up his toiletries, I will smell him, see him standing next me in our bathroom with toothpaste running down his arm and onto his shirt - and I'm scolding him telling him it has bleach in it and I won't be able to get the bleach out of his shirt - and he smiles and calls me the laundry fairy.
And yes, closing the estate - means all things related to Robert in an official way are done. It is putting the last nail in the coffin.
And it hurts.
Yes, I will take care of these things because it turns out when you hang onto them too long, they begin to suffocate you. Little by little, you feel them closing in until the desire to finish becomes more than the pain to hold off. Because the emotional game of pretending things could be different, is damaging. It is brutal and there are no winners.
So here's to the next 2 months that will again test me. Provide me opportunity to grow, evolve and change. My hand has been forced and I will succumb. May I have the ability to do so with grace, gratitude and the over whelming new reality of what really matters. This is the purest way that I can honor my husband, my children, my family and friends.
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