Well hello, friend. It's been a long time since we've connected in this format - like almost 14 months long time. And well here I am again, unsure of how I got here, but knowing I did and still with the big wonder of a 3 year old, "what is this?"
This my friend, is life. Tuesday, 2/7/17 - I celebrated (odd choice of words - I know) - the 5 year anniversary of my husband's death. Five, yes 5, 5, 5, years. Saying it out loud, typing it, thinking it... I'm unsure how 5 years has passed. I think we all are unsure how this linear thing we call time moves so quickly and it isn't until we look backwards that we realize the enormity of all that has come before.
We still move through each day, growing, evolving, and living - sometimes with ease and grace and others like a seizure taking root in our very being. I still miss my husband. I often dive into our memories and take my girls with me. And in the same moment, can't imagine what it would be like if he was still here. So much has changed. I have changed...
I wonder at times if he would be proud of how I mother and of the woman I've continued to become. Yes, become, because we are always becoming - we are never done, never static, never without evolution. The evolution isn't always fast or fated and often leaves something unrecognizable in its wake.
And enter Bridgette... Yep - Bridgette. This past summer, I changed my name back to my birth name. Changed the whole damn thing - first, middle and last. I've had many questions as to why I changed it - what was the purpose? What was wrong with the name Amy? Well nothing and everything. I couldn't relate to her anymore - it felt like Amy had served me and served me with honor. She was a survivor of so many injustices - so many cruelties the world had to offer. First in line to keep me, the soft, surrendered, secret side of me, safe.
You see my story didn't just begin when I lost my husband. That was when my story became more public. It was likely that moment when my ability to keep the pain inside from seeping out also ceased to exist. The prolific straw that broke the camel's back. You see my story has always been playing out, word by word, page by page, chapter by chapter - just like yours. Yet, the published story was fiction in so many hard and hurtful ways.
Oh and isn't it easy to say swiftly and without mercy - that was completely up to me. It was my choice. Yes, it was....because I knew how the world expected me to show up. I am an excellent student, quick study and a perfectionist. So I learned to dance in the ways I was requested, certain this would be easier. Easier for me, easier for family, easier for friends, easier for the greater good of all. Because if we all buy our ticket to the dance, don't we all become dancers?
It turns out, I'm not a good dancer. I completely and 100% suck at most types of dancing. However, when I let the music take over and allow my body and soul to simply respond to the vibration and sensation, release my mind of its teachings... there I am, a dancer. There I am, Bridgette Marie Singer.
So how do you show up? Is it in truth or fallacy? Fiction or non-fiction? Judgement or acceptance?
And here's to new beginnings each and every day and a big welcome to myself, for dancing now - just for me, just for this moment, just as I am.
