Leaving behind 2012...

Can't believe it is the last day of 2012.  I realize I feel this way every time another year has passed and I'm not quite sure where the time went.  This year, as one can imagine, was life altering.  Hell who am I kidding, it was all consuming, mind blowing, painful, joyful insanity.

There is a part of me (lord here come the tears) that wants to go running into 2013 and leave behind 2012 with such intense need that my muscles ache.  And yet leaving behind 2012 in some ways means leaving behind my love.  2012 was the year I lost my husband.  It was the year I became a widow.  It was the year I graduated and finally claimed my bachelors degree.  I spent time in England and introduced Addy to its beauty.  2012 granted me a month long stay in the hospital waiting for Miss F to arrive in the mist of a massive home remodel.  It brought me my beautiful, perfect Lissy.  It created a new family with lots of estrogen and a glorious extended family that I am thankful for daily.  2012 showed me the strong and dedicated friends I have in my life that stepped up and stepped in - taking care of me when I couldn't and walking beside me when I could.

But 2012 made me a widow.  Just sticks in the back of my throat.  Filling out paperwork marking "widow" as my marital status.  Let me assure you that sucks in case you were unsure.  I truly thought in meeting Robert and finally feeling like I was home, my life was secure, safe, protected.  The truth is none of us are those things.  We are all since our birth waiting to go back home - whatever/wherever you believe that to be.

I've learned this year to live without Robert physically here with me.  People have often said to me, "this will get easier with time" or the fabulous (heavy sarcasm) "time heals all things."  I would politely disagree.  Dumb-dumbs...  It doesn't get easier.  You simply learn to live differently.  You develop a new normal, a new routine, a new way of living.  It doesn't stop the longing for what was and what can never be again.

And things have to change. For me things had to change.  Well really, I didn't get to control the change did I?  It was thrust upon me without any thought or consideration about what I might want or need.  So I chose to change, to attempt to adapt.  Isn't that evolution in the making?  The strongest survive, they adapt, create features that allow them to survive the new terrain, the new environment.  Adapt, adapt, adapt... adapt or die.

So, I adapt...sloppily, clumsily, two steps forward, three steps backwards....but lord help me I did adapt.  And I have learned that I am stronger than I thought I was.  I am capable of more than I ever imagine.  I live in the now, in the moment because I am living proof that nothing is guaranteed, nothing is forever - at least in this physical world.  I have changed my belief system, no that's not true, I have found one.  I discovered I am a spiritual being. I am thankful.  I am grateful. I am honest.  I work really hard at taking nothing for granted anymore.

I am true and I love... all of this, in the year I became a widow and had my heart broken in a million little pieces.

So as I move into 2013 with the wisdom of 327 days as a widow - I won't be making any grand resolutions or big promises I know I won't keep.  Instead I will continue to put one foot in front of the other, thankful that I am here to do so.

And to my darling Robert, thank you for setting such a shining example of what a husband, son, brother, father, uncle, cousin and friend should be.  Thank you for our little Lissy - what a joy she is to us all.  Lastly, thank you for loving me without reservations and for the first time showing me that I am worthy and enough.

So long 2012...
Welcome 2013...
~A

Incomplete

Tonight should be a night when I am celebrating with my husband.  We are giggling and being silly until he looks at me in all seriousness and will tell me would say about me.  It was always as if he was talking about someone else, someone I didn't know.  Robert had started to give me the gift of believing in myself.  I'm sure this comes as wallop of a surprise for many as yes, I come across as having it all together.  I'm strong, remember?

Tonight I feel weak, defeated and so painfully lost that everything seems foreign and hazy.  The life, my life, the goals, the dreams that I had seem silly in some ways now.  I suppose it isn't enough to do things just for me.  It is important to have someone by your side to celebrate with you, along side you.  Robert was my biggest cheerleader.  I will never know what he saw in me but I hope that maybe someday I might be who he thought I was.

So, what's the big deal?  I turned in my last 50 page portfolio tonight and in a weeks time I will officially have my bachelors degree.   This was a hard road for the last two years, particularly the last 2 quarters since losing Robert.  So I'm done, no fanfare, no fireworks, no giggling, no kind words from the man I adored.  Just the closing of the laptop, finishing laundry, feeding the cats and then the not so surprising fury of sobs that racked my body and left me gasping for breath sitting on the bathroom floor.

Sometimes I get angry at myself.  Pull it together.  What the hell is wrong with you?  Lord too many things to write down tonight.  I really wish that someone, anyone, could tell me what God's big plan is?  Everything happens for a reason right?  I will look back at this someday and be able to see the lesson and know I was strong enough to have lived through it.  Oh there are lessons, but I hardly need them and I sure as hell don't want them.

I want my husband.  I want to feel like I matter.  I want to know that someone has my back and will drop everything to make sure I'm ok.  I don't want to be the grown up I have to be that bears all the responsibilities and plays nice when all I want to do is lash out.

Realizing I shouldn't be too surprised of where I am at emotionally....school was a distraction, albeit a painful one.  Now the noise has stopped and I am left with the silence.  I know you need silence and calm to process and grow, but did I have to have it now?  This diploma will forever be a reminder of where I was emotionally and learning to deal with the loss of Robert.  There is no joy here just relief I am done and an intense void swirling all around me.

Where do I go from here?

Day 54 - Day 81

I am fast approaching the 3 month mark.  Just typing that brings tears to my eyes.  I can't believe it.  I still have moments where it seems that things are the way they used to be.  There is always the harsh realization when I come to.  Have been having awful nightmares lately.  The latest involved being on vacation with Robert.  I was waiting for him and I was getting worried because he hadn't shown up.  My cell didn't work and no one around me could help me and often they just looked at me like they couldn't hear me.

That's really how this feels sometimes, that no one can hear me.  No one can hear my heart breaking.  No one can hear the tears splash my pillow each night.  No one can hear the anguish, loss, pain and bewilderment that is masked behind the words, "I'm doing ok."  This situation is completely isolating.  I am like an island that friends and family circle around and visit but they never stay take away my burdens.  It feels as if they never hear me.  It feels as if I will never be heard again.

It feels as if a part of my life has ended and been taken from me in such a drastic measure that I didn't have time to prepare myself for it.  I'm not just talking about my life with Robert and our future that has vanished like a brilliant magic trick, but the other facets of Amy that slipped away.  It is hard for me to remember that girl.  I see past pictures of myself and I see a stranger.  I am not the same girl anymore.  

I am now only a mother, friend, daughter and sister.  No longer am I someone's better half.  No longer am I someone's confident.  No longer am I the object of someone's desire.  No longer am I desirable.  All of those parts of me have disappeared.  I cannot see them. I cannot find them.  I have only faint memories of that girl.  I am broken.  Truly, utterly, horribly broken.    I am saddled with more responsibilities than it feels I can handle, yet I have no choice.   I feel cheated and defeated.  Forced into a life that I cannot change no matter how hard I try or how perfect I become.

If only there was a way to rationalize this.  Trust me I would find it.  I don't see how this can be part of God's plan.  God has not been very good to me; which I know you're not supposed to say.  Yet it is the truth.  Life has not been easy and I've been tested more times than I care to remember.  Have I failed those tests?  Why do the tests continue to come?

So - I've been trying to work on gratitude.  That is finding it, saying it, feeling it and sometimes even believing it.  I have many blessings in my life, I am aware of that and I don't mean to sound ungrateful.  I know often what you need is not what you get.  Well I don't get this and I'll be brazen enough to say that most in my position would feel the same way.  I mean really try to imagine it.  It is unimaginable until it isn't.

I miss my husband.  I miss who I was with my husband, in his eyes, in his love.  I miss the simplicity of life.  I miss that girl I use to be and am fearful of the woman I am becoming.   I wonder if the two will ever mix?  If in time the two me's will flow together as if they were always like siamese twins reflecting back on each other.  Only time will tell.

Day 49 - Day 53

Here it is... I'm lonely.  Miserably, completely, certifiably lonely.  I am afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life.  Yes, many have said, you are so young, you will find someone else.  I don't want anyone else.  Any other man that enters my life will have such a hard act to follow.

I really didn't know that I could love someone so completely.  Putting all of my insecurities (and there are many) out there on the line and still asking to be loved.  I suppose this is one of the joys, if there is such a thing, of getting older.  I am so much more comfortable in my skin today, than I was 5 years ago and definitely than I was 10 years ago.  I live more freely realizing I have one life and I cannot live for anyone other than myself and my family.

In being with Robert, he gave me the freedom and time to really figure out Amy.  Boy was this not always a pretty packaged process.  There is still work to be done, but I know the work and am capable of completing the journey.  I wish I had Robert by my side and realize this will never be a desire that goes away.

I realized with Robert that I like in many ways being the "little woman."  Such a derogatory comment that is.  I liked taking care of my family and organizing schedules and being able to be the nurturer and mom and wife without the stress of having to earn the almighty dollar.  Had you asked me 10 years ago, I would have told you I would never give up my career and likely be insane if I had to stay home all the time.  I like feeling like a lady, feminine and soft.  I hope this doesn't disappear amiss the current chaos.

Part of this loneliness is missing not just the physical, emotional, spiritual needs that Robert fulfilled for me, but also the tactile, mundane and confusing parts of our life that I preferred to know only the bare necessities.  Planning my own will now, setting all the bills up in my name, refinancing a mortgage, landscaping, investments, walking the dogs, house repairs,  estate items, social security, health insurance.... the list just goes on and on.  I didn't say thank you enough.

Robert was such a provider and not just monetarily.  He really was a true gentleman and took his role as my husband very seriously.  I have never felt so loved, appreciated, cared for and protected.  I in return, would have done absolutely anything he asked of me. I supported the decisions he made even when I didn't agree with them.  I knew he had my best interest at heart and would never intentionally jeopardize our relationship or family.

Maybe he was too good to be on this earth.  It really is impossible to simply accept accidents happen.  How do people have blind faith in situations like this?  I do wish that I felt that way and am jealous of those that are able to.  I just have to believe there is more to this story than a simple accident.

Loving you Robert....  always waiting, listening, hoping you will reach out to me.

Day 40 - 48

Something big happened last night.  I have waited and longed for something from Robert.  A message, a sign, a glimpse of him, something.  I've begged him, I've cried to him, I've screamed at him.  You hear about it happening all the time.  Why can't it happen to me, for me?

I have avoided, not surprisingly, anything and everything pertaining to romance or intimate relationships.  Too painful.  See the movie The Vow, hell no.  Before I would go to these movies happily and realize I had what was on the movie screen.  I didn't long for this romantic, all consuming love because I had with with Robert.  I always left these movies feeling grateful and more in love with my husband because he was so gentle with my heart.  He did the goofy things that some men may find weak or cheesy.  Yet I assure you being on the receiving end, just made me feel loved and secure.

On my birthday this year, Robert was traveling for work.  He took a video of himself in his hotel room, singing happy birthday to me.  He took pictures of everything ( and I mean everything) when he traveled and sent them to me.  To keep us connected and share with me where he was and what he was doing.  In fact the night he passed, he sent me pictures of his empty sushi plate, a "party" bus outside of his hotel that he was convinced was there for him and sneaky pictures of folks in the meetings he was in during the day.

Robert worked at our relationship.  I realize now more so than I did.  He took the time to do the little things and the big things.   Not surprising if you knew him.  That is just "how he was."  He didn't want any kudos or praise as it was innately who he was.

Anyhow the point of this post, I finally got my message from Robert.  I ended up catching on a tv show as I was flipping channels of a  passionate kiss between a couple.  I lost it.  I mean hit the floor, sobbing, snot running down my nose onto my lips - broken, again.  There is such loneliness that consumes this space and time.  It is constant, never ending, suffocating.  It is as if someone is sitting on my chest and breathing becomes painfully laborious.   I am envious of everyone that gets to get to bed with their partner, to kiss them, to feel them, to smell them, to fight with them....

Cannot stay focused today.  I get myself up into bed with tissue and sappy 106.9 with Delilah.  If I'm going to blow it, I'm going to blow it big.  Lying in the dark on my side facing the radio, talking to Robert.  Telling how much I miss him, love him, need him, wasn't ready to say goodbye, am so lonely, afraid and the list goes on.  Always comes back to loving and missing him.  Cue the radio.... This song comes on...  the room gets quiet, my body stills and I know without any doubt that Robert is there.  He is with me.  I can feel him with such certainty that it startles me.  He is telling me to listen.  The song that plays is Wherever you will go by the Calling.  The words are breath taking.  I lay listening, crying and relishing in this moment of knowing Robert is with me, talking to me through music.

For those of you that haven't gone through something like this, I'm sure it sounds crazy.  I pray you never have to experience anything like this, but I do believe in things like this.  Always have and this has cemented my beliefs.  Robert loved music.  He lived for it.  Loved all kinds of music. It spoke to him and through him.  He used his love of music to reach me.  I had a flash of him searching for the perfect song.  One that I would recognize as being from him, specifically chosen.  Even though the sentiment of the song breaks my heart because I don't want anyone else, I want him, I get it.

Rather than simply post the lyrics, I've put a link to the song.  Take a moment and listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57z95p_xwes

Thank you love.  I hear you.... xoxox

Day 37 - Day 39

It has been a rough few days.  I'm exhausted.  I'm cranky and I had a nasty epiphany this time.  I am no longer first on anyone's list.  I'm not a consideration on anyone's list.  I don't have any one looking out for my best interest.  I'm alone with only myself to depend on.  I knew this would come and it has come bit by bit as everyone gets back to their normal lives.

Here's the thing, my life is far from normal.  Every day is hell.  Something to survive, not thrive in.  Sure I can have a few moments of "forgetting" what is now my life, but it always comes back.

Ended up without plans this weekend because everyone is busy.  Please friends, don't take this as me being an ungrateful witch, but it is hard to hear friends talk about weekends away, family dinners, date nights, friends coming over, going to movies, busy, normal lives.  When I ask for help, I feel stupid and insecure.  Then when everyone is busy, I berate myself for even asking.  Of course everyone is busy, they have lives.  They are not like me.

Yet I still get angry.  Does anyone have any idea what I am living through?  Of course not and this is something that without actually living it, there is no way to know.   I hate that people try to "fit" me in where they can.  Makes me feel worse.  I am alone.  I have to cover my own back.  To go from being somebodies world and them being yours, to this...I don't get it.  I am still trying to catch up to the story of my life.  It has been rewritten without asking for my input.

I have to say I can see why people turn to alcohol during these situations or some other destructive behavior.  Just to forget for a little while, to not feel.

I'm so tired...  I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't know where I'm going.  I don't know who I am.

Day 36

I had an epiphany today.  I met up this evening with my dear friend, Karyn.  I was blessed to meet her when in college.  I had an instant connection with her and regardless of time and distance, we pick up right where we left off.  I adore her.  After we parted company, I had my epiphany.

When you are married or in a long term relationship so much of your identity is wrapped in that pairing.  I was Robert's wife, a married woman with a "better (yes he was better) half.  When anyone asked how I was, the next question is how is Robert.  We accepted invitations to parties, as a couple, the +1.  My +1 is gone.  I am struggling to find my own identity again.

I never thought I would say that as I like to think I am a strong, independent woman.  I am not defined by my marriage, by being someones wife.  And yet, in so many ways, I was.  This happened naturally, easily, like breathing.  Our lives allowed to carelessly mingle, to dance, to caress each others, until the solo "I's" became a combined "we."

Now that "we" is no longer and I am forced back to a single I.  Such an abrupt change, I'm left wondering who am I?  I need to reclaim, refind, rejoice in rediscovering that single "I."  No, it isn't what I wanted and I would make a deal with the devil to have Robert back.  I don't have that option.

What I need is to feel connections with friends, family, strangers, anyone... as a single I.  These connections in whatever form provide a kaleidoscope view of who I will be as our delicate "we" stops dancing, mingling and caressing each others physical lives.  It is rebuilding what once was but can no longer exist in the same form as the "I" is forever changed from existing as a "we."

Here is what I will say to my friends, this is how you can help.  Call me, make plans, invite me to do something, anything....  I need to build a strong base.  I need help to do this.

I will forever be honored that I had Robert and blessed and so damn proud to have been his wife.

I love you Robert...  the we that was you and I will always be delicately woven in my soul.  I carry it with me now and always.

Day 31-Day 35

Wow, can't believe it has been 5 days.  I wish that I had something grand to report or some dramatic turn of events, but I don't.   Each day is freakishly the same right now.  Waking up and starting each day takes so much energy.  My new reality, my life slaps me upside the head so incredibly fast.  I lay there for at least 30 minutes trying to make sense of this.  Trying to find a way to move forward, trying to rationalize what the hell happened.

I wish I could say thinking about the future, I am optimistic with visions of unicorns and rainbows.  I have a clean slate in front of me with lots of opportunities and I am in control of my destiny.  But I don't want any of them.  I was happy and fulfilled in the life I had.  It took me a long time to get comfortable in my own skin (though this journey is not totally complete).  Surprising to many I'm sure to hear me say that.  Robert was such a stable force in my life and for the first time with him, I felt like I was where I was supposed to be.  I had stopped looking for something or someone to complete me or complete my life.

I do wish that for everyone.  I had a magical love affair with my husband.  I adored him.  We had this amazing chemistry that radiated from each of us.  There was a magical force when we were together.  I know what I am missing.  I know what I have lost.  The grief is like a slow painful death.  The part of me that was "Robert and Amy"  and "Robert's wife" is dying and all I can do is watch it happen.

I don't want to play the role of the widow.  Just typing that word, I cannot relate to it.  I don't see myself as a widow.  I can't be right?  I'm 38... who is a widow at 38?  Not many I have found out, but I do know one (xo - KP).  I reached out to a local support group only to find out I am younger by 30 years.  No thanks.  Yet that is how it should be right?  You should have a chance to live your life, to have a life...

I feel like I am a snow globe that someone keeps shaking every time I feel like I may have a lay of the land.  I wonder when I will have my first day without tears?  I wonder when this new normal will become an old routine?  I wonder when, if ever, will I accept what has happened?  What the hell has happened?   What the hell did I do to deserve this?

I am wearing shoes that are too small.  There is a new language of death and widowhood that I fail to comprehend.  The native tongue I do not know.  Shadows and dense fog cloud my ability to see clearly to prevent myself from falling and falling hard.  Who is that woman I feel frantically grasping for something to hold on to?

I miss you love.  I need you. I want you.  So simple and like life and love so complex.  Stay with me and help me through this.  Please love me that much...

Always
~A

Day 30

Being a widow and losing Robert - well this whole experience as you can imagine has changed me.  In many ways, I hope these changes stay with me as they are good and positive and necessary.  For example, I don't sweat much of the small stuff anymore. Ok, except vacuuming my house, but I have 2 dogs and 3 cats.  Furthermore, when that is the only thing you can control, you gotta run with it.

I had started to see people differently before but not I see people as a compilation of their life experiences living in the present moments.  No need to judge or condemn as I did not walk in the shoes and I don't know what their life plan entails.  I have to believe we all have a purpose here and that life is not just a bunch of random events tentatively strung together.  This does not mean I don't believe in free will as I do, but also that there has to be some sort of higher calling or life calling for each of us.

If I look at Robert, I have a hard time rationalize what I just said.  The man I loved that changed my life completely, his life purpose was completed at the age of 48?  How does that happen? What was his life purpose?  I could argue it was to save me because he did.  This means he ultimately saved Addy as well.  Or was it that this was simply a random accident and the world is full of randomness that seems like coincidence and yet it isn't.

I don't apologize anymore for who I am.  I'm not perfect, even though I try to be; which is crazy.  I don't hide who I am and worry about what others think anymore.  I don't have the time and in all honesty, I'm ok with myself.  I'm honest in my broken-ness.  I don't claim to be anything other a person living in this life, trying to get the most out of it while causing and enduring the least amount of pain and suffering.

I don't waste my time on people, things, emotions, that aren't worth it.  We all grow up with expectations and obligations.  Often we go through life living and doing for everyone else and putting ourselves last.  Something we as women, hear all the time.  It is true.  I'm not talking about becoming a selfish bitch but I am talking about investing my time, the most valuable gift I have, to what matters in my life.  I don't need to take care of everyone else to the detriment of myself as ultimately I would be no good to anyone.  This makes me think of a Leanne Rimes song "What I Cannot Change."  There is a line that says, "it is easier to please the world than it is to please myself."   That speaks to me.

I am much more efficient at attaching a level of importance to tasks I have to undertake.  For example, in finishing my bachelors degree, does it really matter if I get don't get a 4.0 on my exams?  In the grand scope of life, nope.   Yet 6 weeks ago, I might have argued this one out.  I use the measure of "will anyone catch on fire if X or Y happens?" Ironically, the answer is always no.  Ponder that.

Loving you my darling husband now as I always have.  Thank you for loving me so completely.  xoxo

~A

Day 26 - Day 29

Every morning really is the same.  Now that I am able to sleep and rarely dream, sleep is an escape.  Then I wake up in the morning and the truth, my new reality, I realize is still lingering.  In so many ways it is breaking habits.  We had a routine for how much of our life worked and now simply I don't.

I try not to worry about the future and like the alcoholic mantra we all know, I take one day at a time.  It isn't always easy.  I worry about the holidays and being alone.  I never like the holidays anyhow and now I have a new found dread.  Going to have to work on this as I can feel my anxiety piling on.  Addy with her dad and Sam and Steph with their mum, seriously alone, physically alone.  Yes, there is a possibility I will get a sympathy invitation to go to someone's house and be the outsider watching them fulfill their traditions.  I'm not sure which is worse.  I don't want new traditions. I want what I had.

I have heard many times from people that I will find someone new.  You're young and you're pretty.  You will have no trouble.  I'm sure this is meant to be reassuring, but it is hard to hear.  First as it feels disloyal to Robert and second because I don't want anyone else.  Yes, Yes, I'm sure in time, I will want to have someone in my life.  And I blame Robert for that.  Had I not known how good a marriage/relationship could be, I would know what I was missing.  Now I do.  Isn't that just life though.  Every experience changes you, molds you, lives within you and if you are true in your life, you cannot undue it or pretend it doesn't exist.

Robert's sister and nephew are coming back and I'm relieved.  It is so nice to have his family here.  To easily be around people that loved Robert the way that I did.  I really wish that we were geographically closer.

I managed to live through the 4 week and month mark of Robert's passing.  I tried not to think about it.  Really it doesn't help marking the time as a day or a month or a year, this is still not what I want or what I signed up for.  On the 4 week mark, I received the police report of the accident. All I can say is it was horrific.  I kept telling myself the accident was quick, it was fast, he didn't feel anything....because seeing it typed in a 10 page report makes it seem like an eternity.

Feel like it is going to be a long day.  Tired and down already.

I miss you baby.  I don't understand life anymore and am trying to find a new purpose in my life.  Right now I float from one necessity to another waiting.  How long do I have to wait?

xoxo
Amy

Day 24 & Day 25

I am fast approaching the 4 week mark.  Greatly the hot pain that takes away my breath and makes me feel like the world is crashing down is slowly turning into more of a constant ache with intermittent loss of breath.  There are just so many things to miss about my love.  Robert was so good at making me feel like I mattered, no matter what was going on for him or in our lives.  I was a priority.  He did the little things that make the difference.  Always the gentleman, always looking out for me.

I really wish I knew what happened in those last few moments before he was taken from me.  So many questions and no answers.  And unfortunately no amount of money can ever give me this peace.  I keep getting "sympathy" cards in the mail from ambulance chasers (aka attorneys) looking to represent me.  I never really thought these sort of people existed, but I assure you they do.

I really wish I knew exactly when Robert was with me.  I wish I knew what he was thinking about what is going on or if he has an opinion or a thought.  I miss talking to my best friend.  I often urge him to give me a sign he is with me like make a light flicker or a song come on the radio.  It is amazing how desperate you become just for a link, a connection, a feeling that you aren't alone.

I worry a lot about what the rest of my life will look like.  I never thought I would be here, in this space.  I never imagined this would be my life. This happens to other people or in those stupid Lifetime movies.  Ok, confessional time, don't judge...  I worry I will always be lonely.  That I will always miss Robert with such intensity that I grow a bit jaded in my views of relationships and love.  There will never be another Robert for me.  Yes, I know that there is only 1 of everyone, but I had it all.  The likelihood I will have that again, seems laughable.  Two miracles in 1 lifetime? Impossible.   I don't want a relationship now, it isn't about that.  I'm 38... if I live the average (which that in itself is laughable too) to say 80, I am not even half way through my life.  

I did have a moment of feeling blessed for my daughter and Sam/Steph.  They are a reason for me to keep moving and without them, I would likely rot away on the sofa watching Maury Povich and Hoarders in Robert's fleece sweatshirt (yes, I'm wearing it now).  It is a battle to get out of bed in the morning and nothing really seems to matter anymore.  All the little things, are little things.  We are so busy trying to accomplish something or just keep up that we lose time.  We lose life because we don't stop.  We aren't mindful.  That is one thing I hope to keep from this experience. I am aware and in the moment likely because the pain is keeping me here.  

The start of another week of working on estate things.  I cannot believe how much there is to do.  And it is never 1 easy step.  There are multiple steps and touch points.  Bless Robert's company for holding my hand through all of this.  Big shout out to Dave, Cathie, Tom, Kent, Tim....  and for Robert's family for loving me through their own pain and loss, my friends for stepping up when I thought I would be an island and deserted...

xoxo
~A

Day 23

I'm not sure how time continues to move forward.  I'm in a continual state of exhaustion.  I almost, ok I do, become paralyzed at times when I think of all the things I need to handle.  I think I could handle it if I just had house/estate stuff to deal with but when 18 credits of school is added on top of that - well it is just too much.  On of my classes is world religion and I have to say that right now, I think religion and faith is just a bunch of junk.  If I am to believe everything happens for a reason.  Tell me what is the reason for this is?  And if you don't know, how long am I supposed to wait to make some semblance of the madness?

I have discovered that I cannot be in this house for long periods of time by myself.  I end up going to a pretty dark place.  I find the house comforting at some levels as I can see Robert everywhere and have so many memories.  Still hate the bedroom.  Fell asleep on the sofa tonight, which I never do exhausted...came upstairs to go to bed and wham wide awake.  What is it about this room?

I find myself thinking about what would I do if I saw Robert one more time or had one more day with him.  What would I do?   It would be nothing flashy or adventurous.  I would simply want to be with him alone and absorb every part of him.  Hear his voice, lay my head on his chest and smell him, feel his arms around me.   It really was the only place I have ever felt like I fit in.  I want to talk to him, laugh with him, kiss him.  Lace my fingers with his and just be.  I'm so lonely without him.

Adjusting to life without him is not easy.  I have only myself at the end of the day to rely on.  Everyone else goes back to their own lives and their own families.  I miss the intimacy our marriage had.  We really were a force of one.  There was never a day with Robert that I looked at him and thought what have I done or I really don't like him very much.  He was easy to be with.  Truth be told, I was likely the difficult one of the two of us.  Moody, emotional, demanding, harsh at times with my words.  Sometimes for good reasons, sometimes not so much.

I told Robert before we got married that I want to love with abandonment like in the movie Love Actually.  I realize now that I did.  There isn't anything I wouldn't have done for him, for us if he'd ask me too.  And yet he never asked.  When we got married, when the officiant was gearing up to announce us  man and wife, I was giddy.  Couldn't believe in this lifetime that I could be so lucky as to have such an amazing man love me. Robert was so serious in those moments and I remember asking him why later as it I worried that maybe he thought he was making a mistake.  He simply said he took his commitment to me, the kids and our future seriously.

Life is so different now.  I fear nothing.  I have even less time for people that make me feel bad or are a drain on my energy.  I always gauge my time with someone as to how I feel when we part ways.  I am learning not to apologize for how I am and more importantly how I am living my life.  I spent so many years doing the right thing for everyone else, keeping every one else happy and sacrificing myself and my soul in the process.  Worrying about what people thought, didn't want to embarrass myself.  Held me back in so many ways.  Such a waste of time and energy.  So many things are not important anymore because at the end of the day it really is all about life and death.

The song What I Cannot Change by Leanne Rimes, fit my life before but now even more than ever... There will never be enough tears in my body to ease the loss of my love and I will my best to honor him, our relationship and myself in the way he would have wanted for me...

I love you baby forever and a day, ~A


"What I Cannot Change"

I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

I don't know my Father
Or my Mother well enough
Seems like every time we talk we can't get past the little stuff
The pain is self inflicted
I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Right now I can't care about how everyone else will feel
I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Day 19 & Day 20

Hi Baby.  Had a moment today where I just forgot...  Pulled into the garage after dinner with some friends and saw your car in the garage.  Since it has been in the driveway, I got so excited to see it in the your bay in the garage.  Couldn't wait to get inside and see you.  I forgot.  How could I forget?  Then the tears hit sitting in the car with the dogs barking in the house.

I often wonder if you are around me, near me.  Are you here all the time?  If not, when?  Only when I'm hurting?  or when I think of something you would love to hear or see?  or if I think of something that you might say to me.  How does the whole death thing work?  Are you only allowed to be with me for a certain period of time?  Does the light really exist?  I wish I knew how this worked.  No one really knows.  Lots of people have opinions and assumptions, but really you don't know until you do.

I think I would be less lonely if I knew for sure you were here.  I look for you everywhere. Waiting for the glimpse to see you, feel you, smell you.   I feel like I'm doing something wrong looking for the wrong clues.  I worry I've missed my opportunity for you to come to me.  How will I know?  Or maybe this too is something that doesn't really exist?  Or just something we create in our minds to ease the pain?  All so damn confusing.

Finally washed the bed linens today.  I couldn't smell you anymore.  Even the shirts I have sitting on your pillow above your photo, they too are losing your smell.  It feels like everything is slipping away.  I'm in a life I don't recognize anymore.

I just miss you.  That sound so simple and like a 4-year old.  There are so many things that I'll never be able to write them all down.  What I miss right now is knowing that my life will ok.  That you will take care of me and help me through anything I need to face.  That at the end of every day, I get to lay down with my best friend and know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  My life made sense with you.  Now I can't make sense of anything.  Just getting through the seconds, the minutes, the hours - well that is enough.

I love you baby.  Wonder when I will have a day without tears.  Tomorrow is 3 weeks.  It seems like an eternity.

Always yours
~A

Day 18

Better day today.  Had an outpouring of friends and family calling and touching base.  You know my love it is hard for me to admit I am struggling and need help.  That is a sign of weakness; which is dumb as I would never tell the kids that.  Maybe it is because before you, I never felt I was worth saving, or investing in, or loving.  I'm still baffled that you loved me.  You could have your pick of charming, brilliant, gorgeous women and you chose me.  Really that is why we were perfect for each other.  You felt you didn't deserve me and I felt I didn't deserve you.

Just realized I had to go back and change the verbs to past tense.  That is one of the many peculiar things about going through this.  There is no longer anything current in our relationship.  It seems as if my life has become before you and then after you.  The middle are of "us" was just too damn short.  Don't they say that about life?  Meaning it doesn't matter when you were born or when you died, but what you did in the middle.   I couldn't have asked for a better middle with you my love.

I don't understand why this happened to us.  I often think why did this happen to me, but it didn't just happen to me.  It happened to us, you and me.  Realizing I sound very shallow and callous leaving out our family and friends.  It is not my intention.  

I wonder if this would be easier if we had a crappy marriage?  Maybe then I would pine for the love we didn't have and beat myself up about not putting my all into it and valuing the relationship more.  I did value you.  I respected you.  I loved you with every part of my heart and soul.  I wasn't perfect, but a perfect work in progress.   I hope you felt and still feel my love for you.

I really need you to continue to support me and help me get through this.  Help me heal so that I can focus on the joy and love that consumed our relationship and not the pain and anguish currently embracing me.  Help me finish what we started.

I love you Robert.
xoxoxo
~A

Day 17

Hi Lovey.  It's been a rough day.  Can't quite seem to keep it together.   Lots of time on my own in our house.  Times like this, I hope you aren't around seeing how I am.  I want to make you proud.  I don't want to cause you pain by seeing my pain.  I have lived through many things as you know my love, but this is by far my biggest challenge to date.

I have no more words, just blinding pain.  The world melts away and I'm left unfocused and alone. 

I am not ready to let go of you love.  I don't know how to do that.  

Help me get some sleep baby.  Keep the dreams and nightmares at bay so I can rest.

I love you now as I have from the first day I met you.

xoxo

~A

Day 16

I hear from many people that I am strong.  I don't really know how to take that.  I'm sure some of you now are racking your brains trying to figure out if "you're the one" that said that.  It is a common comment following closely behind in usage to "I'm sorry for your loss."  But what does it mean?  What criteria is used to determine someone's strength in dealing with the death of their spouse?  Robert would be delighted at this point that I am putting on my scientific cap looking for criteria and quantifiable data.

Am I strong because I get out of bed everyday?  Am I strong because I am working my way through the maze of death?  Am I strong because I can be relatively together for the kids?  Am I strong because I am still here - wouldn't that be strong by default?  Clearly not a win in the strong category.

There are times, more often than I want to admit, that I don't want to be here.  It would have been easier to have gone with him than deal with this.  Now before you start calling 911 and request a welfare check.... I'm fine.  I'm not going to harm myself.  Just think about it though, wouldn't that be easier? I could in essence avoid the problem causing me all the pain.  Who wouldn't wish for that?  How many times in our own lives do we sweep things under the rug rather than deal with them head on?

Death is tricky like that.  When you are the one(s) left behind, you don't get that choice.  You can choose how quickly you try to get through the concrete, tangible details - but even with that you are often waiting on information to come in from other sources.  You can choose to avoid the true pain of losing your loved one and going through the grieving process, but the debt will come due sooner or later.

So I ask again, what makes me strong?  I sure as hell don't feel like.  It takes about an hour for me to get out of bed.  This morning I even closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep when Addy appeared in my doorway.  Just a few more minutes of pretending this is not my life before I put on my false identity and face the world.   Once up, all I want to wear are lounge pants and Robert's huge blue (and hideously unfashionable) fleece sweatshirt.  When I head out of the house, often I just swap out the lounge pants for jeans that are now too big.  I wear UGG slippers inside the house and UGG boots outside.  Socks and sneakers - just too much work.

I'm petrified when I think of "the rest of my life."  Yes, I know I shouldn't make any big decisions now as hey guess what, I'm emotional and might not be thinking rationally!  REALLY?  I feel like a child playing a grown's up game that has gone horribly wrong.  I cannot stop.  I cannot put it on hold and come back later.  I cannot undue what's been done.

So, maybe strong is not the right word.  Too tired to figure our a replacement word.  And really does that matter?  I'm a mess.  Plain and simple.  Robert was the best part of me.   I'm having to perform my own autopsy.  The scars are not visible, but if you look closely, you will see them etched in who I was and who I am now struggling to be.

Shakespeare was right - All the World's a stage and all the men and women merely players.

I love you baby.  Miss you more and more every day.  Come see me.....xoxoxo
~A

Day 14 and Day 15

Didn't write yesterday on Day 14.... couldn't.  Two weeks since my love left this life, his life, our life.  I'm not sure how two weeks has gone by as it seems I have been living this existence for much longer but also as if it is all new.  Everyday is new really.  There is no normal, no set routine, no salvation in the mundane.  I expected that to be honest.  Heard so many times and have said myself, "getting back into a routine will be good."  Lie, lie, lie.

I find my brain is mush.  Like pregnancy brain quadrupled.  This is a hard thing to take as I'm quite the perfectionist.  Not a personality trait I'm particularly proud of either.  I'm learning that sometimes just doing something is good enough.  Being a widow, you get a lot of latitude.  Interesting and I know Robert would tell me to milk it.  I would tease him all the time about using his accent to his benefit and that if I was him, I'd do it too.  Seriously, you just have to hear him say darling one time.  Complete puddle on the floor.  Ironically, I've adopted a slight English accent.   At Christmas, I was at Macy's buying a new suitcase for Robert.  The salesman caught wind of my "quasi accent" and asked if I was from England.   I considered my answer, albeit briefly, and responded yes.  All I can say is that I was in that 15 minutes, the most charming fake British woman you would ever hope to meet.  I walked out with the suitcase at a 60% discount.  I'd like to say Robert was shocked by my actions, but he chose instead to take the piss out of me.  Yes, he uses the word piss.  Making me smile thinking about this.  

The continual chores and tasks associated with settling an estate continues.  Been to see the estate attorney again, the funeral home, gathering massive amounts of paperwork, waiting and wondering when this will all wrap up.  I'm told 4 months is a good gauge.  I'm also told this is when the true silence hits and the reality sets in yet again.  For then there is time to grieve.  Logically it makes sense, but I feel so fragile that I can't bear the thought.

Addy had a meltdown on Monday night.  The day was over, she was showered and we were snuggling on the sofa.  There was this soft sob and then a guttural moan and howl that came from my baby.  All I could think when holding her and sobbing is this is just too damn hard.  I'm barely keeping it together and I cannot cope with this.  I don't know how to make it ok for her, or Sam or Steph. I don't know how to tell them to survive this.  My words seems barren, no different than the condolences I receive from others.  It is amazing really, that one can survive this.  Let me say that again....  we can survive it but can we thrive again?

I have typed and deleted so many sentences.  I'm tired but I have to be exhausted before I head up to bed.  The one room I hate in this house is our bedroom.  I walk by Robert's side of the bed to get to my own.  I still sleep with this massive 11 x 14 framed picture of Robert and clothes that smell like him.  I talk to it, kiss it, cry onto it.  Each night I wish it to become real. Willing to give up anything for just one more moment.

I have doubts about Heaven and the goodness of God.  I've always struggled with religion as life has not been easy for me.  I don't understand how a good and loving God can allow this to happen.  How much pain can one person take in their life?  How much suffering is enough?  Wonder if I will ever find the answer to these questions?

Goodnight my love, sweet dreams...

Always yours,
~A

Day 13

I survived my first night alone in the house and it turns out I'm afraid of the dark.  After analyzing this for far too long I think it is because I only have myself to depend on.  And I think it is because I was notified about Robert's passing in the middle of the night.  It is true what you see in movies.  I had a knock on the door around 11:30 pm.  I was already sleeping.  The dogs started barking and when I got out of bed to the top of the landing there was a police office shining his light in our front window.  When I opened the door and saw the word "chaplain" on one man's coat.  I knew.  The world shifted and it became hard for me to see, to hear, to breath.  I asked where is Robert and what happened?  The chaplain wouldn't answer my question but asked if Robert lived here.  I answered yes and said, "He is dead isn't he?"  He simply nodded his head.

I didn't even know the right questions to ask.  I played back our last conversation via text which included pictures of his dinner, a typical occurrence with my love.  I was worried as I was angry that he hadn't called me like he promised.  I was trying desperately to keep the dogs from barking so they wouldn't wake Addy.  I had to call someone...who do I call?  I didn't want to say the words that I could not understand.  It is like learning a new language.  Nothing fits together, the words sputter out slowly in some areas and rapidly in others, but all in a foreign tongue and I'm unsure I've said it correctly.

Even now typing this, there is disbelief that this is happening.  I wish there was some guideline that said in 3 months you will feel this way and at 9 months this will happen.  And if someone talks to me about the stages of grief again, I might wash their mouth out with soap.  Who wants to hear that in this moment of such pain, I am ordinary like everyone else before me losing their love.  My feelings are typical and predictable.  That  our love, our relationship, our life can be diminished to 6 stupid stages.  Maybe I'm not ready to be comforted.  Maybe at some point these words will find meaning.  I don't know.

Had someone say to me yesterday that I seem fine.  I suppose when you have so many things to take care of and kids and pets to look after, you don't get the luxury of completely falling apart and hiding away from the world.  You don't always get the opportunity to express your pain and anguish.  However, fine I assure you, I am not.  After Robert's family left around 2 for the airport, I slipped to the floor and sobbed.  Not easy full bodied tears that caress the face but ragged, hot tears which felt like an assault yet again.  Under attack without any defenses.

Robert's mum and sister left cards; which I cherish.  He truly came from an exceptional family.  They embraced his crazy American wife with open arms.  I adore them.

I can hear Robert pushing me to get out of bed.  Get moving.  I used to find it annoying when he would say, "You'll feel better once your in motion."  He was right as he was about most things.

I love you baby.  Missing you every second of every day.  Stay with me.....xoxo

Day 12

Robert's family is heading back to England today.  I don't want them to go.  They are a link to the Robert I knew and loved.  It is easy to be with them and easy to talk about Robert.  The house will be quiet tonight.  I am afraid.  There are times when I really wonder how much more I can take.  There are times I don't want to take anymore.  Just hide away forever away from everything.  Locked in a box where I cannot be touched or hurt, where I cannot feel.

There is a part of me that wants to quickly get through the necessary tasks so that I can stop saying the words, "My husband died."  "My husband passed away."  "My husband was killed in an accident."  Take your pick. So many ways to say it and all of them awful.  Saying it makes it real.  I still want to believe that he will come back.  This really is just one big misunderstanding.  I can't imagine my life without him.

Realizing that's a funny thought isn't it?  You meet someone and you had a life before them.  Then you create a life together and all of the sudden you are back to recreating your life alone again.  It is easier to move forward with someone then to move backwards without them.  I guess I never imagined this at 38.  But who does.  Like going into a marriage thinking it will end in divorce.  If that was the case, doubt anyone would take on that adventure.

I often wonder if I am strong enough to to do this alone.  Robert was such a communicator.  We talked all the time.  I'm lonely without my love.   Lots of thoughts and no where to safely put them.  Will they explode in my head?  I need him to talk me off the edge.   I don't want to do this.

Obviously not a good day as I am barely keeping it together.  Everything that was is no longer.  People talk about their hearts breaking, over little things.  Like the loss at a sporting event, or not getting into a college... these are not heartbreaking.  The simplicity of those things sting me when I hear them.  I want to scream and shake them.  I know it is their naivety and I am both furious that they don't know how I feel and glad they have not know such pain and suffering.

I don't feel I am strong enough to do this.  Help me love.

Day 11

My wedding vows to you my love....  

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I've tried to come up with the perfect words for this moment.  Magical words. Moving words. Words that could clearly articulate the intensity of what I feel for you.  And after many, many hours, I realized that there aren't any words that could ever truly capture all that my heart has to say.  This is what I do know....

You are the most lovely man I have ever met. You are kind, loyal, honest, earnest, hard working, brilliant and ever so funny.    You know all the songs in the Mary Poppins movie.  You have, as no one before, captured and captivated all of me. You fulfill and complete me. 

You are my biggest cheerleader and fiercest defender.  In your arms, with your touch, I have finally found my home. The home that is my heart's safe harbor.  All that has come before, that has led me to this place, led me to you,  though often heart breaking, were necessary to teach me and prepare me for loving and being loved by you.  There is nothing I fear knowing you will be by my side. 

My life has become one full of promise.   Robert, you are my Miracle on 34th Street and on this day as we become husband and wife, I make theses promise to you:  

- I will stand by you always, no matter what is brought into our lives.

- I will look for the good in things, the silver lining, and see the world as you do, "glass half full."

- I will support your decisions even when I struggle to understand them.

- I will honor you as an individual, my husband, my lover, my friend. 

- I will protect the you and I, that make the we.

- I will love you passionately with the hope that one day you will see yourself as I see you, perfectly imperfect in every way.

I thank god every day for bringing you into my life and I thank you for loving me.

Day 10

Good morning love.  Missing you so much this morning.  I love having the huge picture of you sleeping next to me at night.  It is such a great picture and so reassuring to see your smiling face first thing.  I truly just cannot believe this.  I wonder when that reality sets in?  Likely it creeps in until it just is.

The estate attorney seems like a good guy.  Thank you for putting everything in place.  Realized that was the last major "thing" to do.  The rest is now following through to completion.  Not easy but I have a solid framework to go from.  I cannot thank you enough for taking care of me.

Went to the Apple store yesterday to get your iPad and iPhone unlocked.  Can't believe I cannot think of the password.  We worked with the same man that sold us my phone a few weeks ago.  I lost it in the front of the store right when you walk in.  Couldn't figure out why this upset me more than the estate attorney.  I think Carol is right that it is because these items were very personal to you.

One of the first things I saw was our last day of text exchanges.  I have read them on my phone many times, but seeing them on your iPad knowing that you had touched it and typed them and thought of me.... oh lovey.

Hope you saw your sister and I sitting at the kitchen table last night in hysterics trying to come up with songs that had our name in it.  Mine were WAY better.  Did you hear her son, "Carol" by Chuck Berry and "Carol" by Neil Sedaka?  Horrid, truly.   It felt good to laugh and be silly.  For just a moment to feel the burden and pain of this release its death grip on my heart.

I could not have survived this without your family.  I simply adore them.  It is easy to be with them and like being with you, it is as if I have known them my whole life.  It is reassuring to be surrounded by people that knew you and loved you as I did.  I don't want them to leave.  The house will be too quiet and I am afraid to hear the silence.  I know they must as being here is a consistent adrenaline rush trying to get so many things done.  They need time to stop and feel their own quiet.   I wish I could absorb their pain.  One person suffering should be enough.

Saw Steph yesterday and it was great to see her.   Felt you in the car as we were taking her home.  Realizing that she heard the things you said in all your chats even when you thought they fell on deaf ears.  Suppose that is normal parenting.

Your suitcase is still sitting at the end of the bed.  I need to go through it today.  I keep telling myself they are just things.  I have all of these things in our house now that don't matter, are insignificant.  They are things without an owner.  How silly the world is that we allow ourselves to get caught up in material things.  I can hear you quoting your dad saying, "You can only wear one pair of pants or shoes at a time."

I worry for you love and want to be sure you are at peace.  I think about the moment you passed all the time.  Wanting to be sure you didn't suffer and you felt my love.  That you were not alone.  I was such a lucky woman to have you in my life.  In you, I finally found my safe harbor.  Your unfaltering love and belief in me, in us, in our family... you were my everything.  I know we were unique in our love.  Not everyone has the chance to love or be loved like this.

Life is pulling me in to start another day.  Stay with me today, be close.  Fingers crossed....

Loving you always, ~A

Day 9

Morning my love.  Time seems to be slipping past me and instead of counting the days with you, I am counting the days without you.  There would never have been enough time.  I cannot wait to see you again in Heaven and meet your dad.  In some strange way this gives me a moments peace.  I know that you are free of the body you despised.  For this I am thankful.  Maybe now, you can see all that you are; which is so much more than you gave yourself credit for.

One of the hardest things I'm beginning to realize is I look for you everywhere.   Waking up this morning and tripping over the cats and dogs to get to the bathroom, I expected to see you bounding up the stairs, likely on a conference call on speaker so loud it was deafening.  You would pull me into your arms, ask how'd I slept and what was in store for me for the day.  Then I remember and the nightmare settles around me again like a straight jacket two sizes too small.  Still like waiting for and believing in Santa, I think you will come to me again.  This I have to believe.

Yesterday even though it was your birthday, you gave me a gift.   You again have done the impossible and I could hear your running commentary.  Stay with me love, help me through this journey.  Our dreams can still become reality even if the shape of the love is different.

I had a high school friend, Katie, send me a bonsai tree on Valentine's day.  I was touched beyond words.  Someone took the time to remember me and honor you.  What she wrote in her card has been one of the most profound things I've heard.  It read along the lines of love, love is not gone but simply transformed.

Many times people don't know what to say or what to do in these situations and I'm realizing that saying or doing the right things doesn't matter.  You have just have to do something.  This is such an isolating experience when the acts of kindness are displayed, I feel not so alone.  I make this promise to you my love, I will never let someone go through a death alone.

More tasks on the horizon today with attempting to get your iPhone and Ipad unlocked. Then off to the estate attorney and a late lunch with Steph.  Missing Sam and Steph right now.  Grateful they have a return and school to fall back into.  Glad they don't have to deal with the details of death.  Addy made you a treasure box yesterday and it is on her nightstand.  She asked for some of your ashes and a picture of you to create a Robert corner in her room.  So many things the kids still had to learn from you.  I told you before and I feel more so now, that I will fight for Steph and Addy to find a partner that treats them the way you treated me.  To expect, to want and to deserve nothing less.  For Sam, I will remind him always of the gentleman you were and how providing for your family not just monetarily but emotionally and spiritually will create a life worth living.  One that will come back to you over and over again.  Your legacy my love will live on, for this I promise you.

Just realizing that even in your death, you are making me a better person.  I hope I can make you proud.

Always and a day, ~A

Day 8 - Happy Birthday my angel.  Here or in heaven you are and will always be my angel.   My hope for you today is that you are celebrating with your dad.  I am feeling for you mum today.  Losing her husband 19 years ago on this day and your birthday.  The 2 men in her life gone, both way too soon and both without an opportunity to say goodbye.  I  cannot fathom her pain.  Please be with her today and bring your dad along.  I wish I could take away her hurt.

Today seems like another day of endless tasks that need to be done.  It is good in someways to be moving and doing something, but I don't want to do these things.  Sorting through more paperwork and attempting to get things in order.  Spoke to the estate attorney yesterday and have that process started.  Making so many lists of things I need to check into, not sure how I will do it all.  Was able to get into your email yesterday as well which felt like a huge violation of your privacy.  And yet, I wanted to find one more piece of you, maybe an email partially drafted and not sent to me....

Got your car back from the airport.  That was a bit of a nightmare.  Needed your car keys which were with you and your license plate.  Once we had these, it was relatively easy.  Sadly, people tend to become quite helpful when you are crying and tell them your husband passed away on a business trip...  I think most people simply want me to hang up the phone or walk away.  The pain is so real and no one really knows what to say to me, how to deal with me...  I do believe it also makes people think, "What if that was me?"  I know I would have done that.

I hate hearing strangers say, "I'm so sorry for your loss."  What the hell do they know?  They didn't know you or me or our life?  It is something they have been taught to say, proper etiquette.  It is nothing more than hearing, "how are you?"  Particularly as most people don't mean it.  Hollow words.  And yet, I do my part and say, "thank you."  Thank you for what?  Lovey - COME HOME!

Great, now I'm crying again.  I really had no idea that the body could produce so many tears.  I can hear putting on your science hat and filling me in on the wonders of the body and how it all works.  I have no idea how you retained everything you learned.  So brilliant you are.

Today I feel a bit numb.   I just cannot understand what I did to deserve this and why you were taken from me.  Karen says we will find meaning in the meaningless.  Nice sentiment but a bunch of shit.    I don't care what the meaning is nor do I need this lesson.  I just want you, even if just for a minute.  To see your face, hear your voice, fall into your arms as they are the only place I have ever felt at home, at peace...  I love you Robert and on this day, your birthday, know that I am loving you even more than yesterday.  You will always own my heart.

~A

Day 7
Morning love.  It's Valentine's Day.  Even though we both agree it is a superficial day, I still want it.  Feels like another way love was callously ripped from me.  FB is full of comments so today I will stay off of it.  Don't want to be with the rest of the world.  Today also marks week 1.  So many things to watch the calendar for and mark off the days, weeks and years.  Count down to Christmas, to a new baby, to a wedding, vacation, birthday, anniversary.  Now all I see is a road map of firsts without you.  I don't want time to move forward.

Yesterday was a long day, but that seems redundant to say now.  Had lunch out with the kids and your family and P.  It was really hard.  Couldn't eat and didn't.  About halfway through lunch a firetruck and ambulance ran down Bellevue Way with the lights and siren blaring.  I lost it.  Thinking of the same vehicles racing to get to you when I couldn't.  When I didn't even know you had been hurt.  I keep thinking I should have known when it happened.  Part of my soul and spirit died with you and I feel like I should have known.

I got angry with you last Tuesday.  Got Addy into bed and waiting for you to call me.  You sent pictures of dinner and texts telling me you were walking back to the hotel and would call me.  You never called.  You know how much that makes me crazy.  I was hesitant to call you in case you were still with colleagues.   We didn't even talk live that day.

Your ashes arrived yesterday.  Took me a few minutes to take them from the Funeral home.  I cannot fathom the love of my life with all of your energy is now just this small thing.  It is like watching your life and mine become dwindled down to things that now don't belong to anyone.  That's it really, I feel like I don't belong anywhere.  My eyes see the world differently and when I think there can be no more pain, I am reminded that again I am wrong.  Everything I knew and believed in is on shifting sand.

Your personal things that were with you were delivered yesterday too.  It feels wrong to go through your things like I am breaking confidence.  I didn't remember that your wedding ring would be in there.  It was carelessly tossed in with everything else.  How dare they take it off of your finger.  You were mine.  I need to find a chain so I can wear it.  You had the most beautiful hands.

Also received a letter from the investment firm.   It was addressed to you with (DECEASED) put next to your name.  It took my breath away.  How dare they put that next to your name.  How dare they put that in the mail for everyone to see my pain.  How dare they make this more real than it already was.  I know they are looking out for my best interest, but.....

Friends still checking in as is PRA.  Today we will retrieve your car from long term parking the airport.  Thought it might smell like you then remembered you put those god awful car freshners in there.  Sickly sweet.  Was never quite sure how you could handle the smell.

PRA continues to work miracles for me.  They are doing everything they can for us and researching all avenues to help.   They keep me informed and follow up with any new details.  Spoke to Kent yesterday and was telling me a story about you and Dawn.  One of the first few phone calls working with Dawn, you went in to the bathroom and peed while on the phone.  It made me laugh.  You made no excuses for how you lived life and it is because you lived it lovingly.  This made me think of the times you would text me if we were in different bathrooms in the house, "Poo 1 to Poo 2, come in Poo 2."  Followed by, "Hope you have success in your endeavors."  Making me smile now.

Be with me today.  It is a big day on so many levels.  Lots of people loving me during a time when I feel unlovable.  Lots of people working hard and doing their best to help.  I couldn't have done this without your family here.  It is easy to be with them and I can see how you turned out as you did.  Your mum and dad raised such a good man.  I am petrified for when they leave.  With them here, it is as if in my imaginary world you are still here.  We are just waiting for you to come home.

I love you baby.  Happy Valentine's Day.  Always yours... ~A

Day 5 - Yesterday's post didn't get finished.  I sat in bed typing and crying and your mum and sister crawled onto the bed with me.  The mornings seem to much to bear as it has the promise of another forever day without you by my side.   It takes all my will to get out of bed.

I got to see you yesterday.  I'm sorry about the funeral home.  It was horrid.  I wanted to crawl in and lie next to you.  Just hold you and feel you once more.  I realized in that moment that the pain is so different for us all.  I lost my husband, you mum lost her only son, your sister her brother and your children their father.   All the different ways you meant so much to us.  I stayed as long as they would let me.  I pulled a chair up beside you, placed my head on the casket, and stroked you.  I was warned not to touch your skin, but I did.  How could I not touch those hands and that beautiful face.  I kept wishing you to breath to wake up.  Your mum had to pull me away.  Tell me that was just your case, not you.  That you were not inside anymore.  Though it is true and at the core of my being I know it, it was still a slap in the face.  I think I held out hope that if I loved you enough, was good enough, kind enough, made the right deal with the devil, you would come back to me.

Today is the open house to celebrate and honor you.  The outpouring from family, friends and your work colleagues has been such a blessing.  Something I will never be able to repay or even convey how much it has meant to me.  I walk through the days in a haze.

Sam and Steph are doing ok.  You would be so proud of them.  I made Sam hug me yesterday far too many times than he wanted to.  They both allowed me to comfort them and keep them close.  They were a comfort to me as well.  I do see so much of you in them in different ways.  They are the best parts of you.  It broke my heart when Steph said she would understand if I wanted to sever ties with them.  I hugged her and kissed and told her that would never happen.  I told them both they are stuck with me and I will forever be their wicked stepmother.  If they try to get rid of me I will hunt them down.   Sam/Steph/Addy took the dogs for a walk yesterday and Carol took pictures of them walking away and the word family came to mind.  Lovey - we did it.  Not how we wanted to but we did it.  I will watch over them and guide them and love them enough for the two of us.

I am slowly realizing that I will survive this.  Not because I want to but because I have no choice.  I know that you are suffering as you have caused me to hurt.  You were so careful with my heart.  I feel I have let you down because I couldn't save you from this pain. I wasn't there with you holding your hand.  Even when you were gone, I couldn't protect your body from the trauma of the autopsy, the cold sterile medical examiners office, two different funeral homes, the list just goes on.  I don't want anyone touching you.  Their rough and professional hands on your body.  I wish I could have protected you.

Please know that there is surprisingly some laughter found in this time.  Our relationship was built on witty, catty, off-color, twisted and completely inappropriate comments and jokes.   There is humor in everything as you have taught me if we allow.  It feels good to remember you like this.
  
I love you Robert more than I ever thought I could love someone.   I will carry on our last adventure together.  Will you stay with me for this?  Be by my side, help me be strong.  Thinking of you every second of the day....

Always yours,
~A

PS:  Another friend of yours lost her husband.  She is my age.  Your colleagues have put us in touch and I think we will be able to comfort each other.  I feel so much for her and a connection I cannot explain.  I wish I could take away her pain.

Day 4

Mornings are really hard.  I'm not sure why but I lie in bed trying to forget what I have to do and what has happened.   If I cocoon myself in blankets maybe I can make this go away.  I cannot face another day.

Roberts luggage arrived yesterday.  I opened the front door and couldn't move and couldn't breath.  Fed Ex had delivered it as if it was just another package.  Another item to be checked of the list of things to do.  I have watched my love pack that bag so many times preparing for trips.   I have loved and hated that bag.  Hated that when I saw it I knew he would be leaving me again for a few days.

Sara was here and she brought it inside.  I felt myself slipping away again unable to be in this world, in this moment.  Sitting in a void of white noise and unseeing eyes.  I moved it to the family room and felt this surge of panic rising up in to open the bag as quickly as I could to find a piece of my love.  Something would be inside to help me make sense of this.  I couldn't find the zipper, where is the damn zipper.  After I got his bag open, I was manic trying to find some piece of clothing where I could smell him.  Feel him.  I found 2 sweaters he had worn and it was as if time stood still.  My love was with me.  I don't know how long I sat there.  Sara joined me and held me and cried with me.

Went to the funeral home and dropped clothes off.  The funeral home was old and dated and had the smell of death.  Why do they all smell that way?  I had a reaffirmation that having a gathering there for Robert would have been so far from anything he wanted.  I could hear him cracking inappropriate jokes and attempting to make light of the situation.

Robert's wishes were to be cremated so I have to select an urn.  I had no idea there was such a market for urns and accessories.  There were two little rooms with a sampling of options as well as multiple catalogs.  I wish I was joking when I say that.  Ultimately I will release Robert out into the world and scatter his ashes.  But for now, I need to hold on.

I will open up our home on Sunday to celebrate Robert's life.  He would not want black funeral attire and somber stories and quietly talking.  He would want laughter and tears and reminiscing.  He would want witty, catty comments and a plethora of different music.  He was in love with the new Adam Lambert song as well as Adele, Seal and George Michael.  Did you know Robert could do the moon walk?  The very first time he showed me this talent, he was naked.  I smile now thinking of it even through my tears.  There is a part of me that wishes all of you knew him like I did and part that was me to keep him hidden away because he was such a find.

I lost the love of my life on Tuesday night at 7:45 pm.  I need a vent, a place to release this unbearable pain.  It is like the world is compressing me from all sides and no matter how small I get it doesn't stop.  I am unsure how to move forward and want desperately to go back in time for one more look, word, touch, kiss.  I never thought this kind of pain was possible.  The word pain doesn't even come close.  The pain I thought I felt before pales in comparison.

I was blessed to have Robert in my life.  He was an incredible man.  One that I felt blessed to be in his presence and so incredibly proud to be called his wife.  Our relationship was filled with love and wicked, often inappropriate humor.  He got me, from the very first time we met.  I knew he was where my heart belonged.

This blog is for me.  A place to remember, grieve, love, get pissed off and whatever else comes with becoming a widow at 38.  I feel incredibly unprepared for this venture as if I am trying to grow up too soon.  I don't have the capacity nor do I want the capacity to deal with this.  I don't want to know how to plan a funeral.  I don't want to release the one person in this world that I knew had my back and would give up everything to make sure I was ok.  He loved me in such a way that I did feel I could conquer the world.  I wish that for everyone.  And that my friends is why this hurts so damn much.

Thank you to all that have contacted me and the people supporting me.  I didn't expect it and am overwhelmed with the compassion.  It is hard for me to ask for help as I see it as a sign of weakness.  I am a very private person and tend to put walls.  The walls are down and I am exposed.  Please be gentle.

And to my Robert - I miss you.  I need you.  I want to save you from pain.  I love you with such abandonment.  Suzie took the Amgen picture of you yesterday and had it blown up and framed.  You are gorgeous.  I slept with this last night.  Stroked your face and hair.  Kissed you with a million kisses.  Feel asleep holding you.  Oh my love, come back.  Come back and tell me this was a joke gone bad.  Come back and save me.  Is it too much to ask you to save me twice in this life?