Day 26 - Day 29

Every morning really is the same.  Now that I am able to sleep and rarely dream, sleep is an escape.  Then I wake up in the morning and the truth, my new reality, I realize is still lingering.  In so many ways it is breaking habits.  We had a routine for how much of our life worked and now simply I don't.

I try not to worry about the future and like the alcoholic mantra we all know, I take one day at a time.  It isn't always easy.  I worry about the holidays and being alone.  I never like the holidays anyhow and now I have a new found dread.  Going to have to work on this as I can feel my anxiety piling on.  Addy with her dad and Sam and Steph with their mum, seriously alone, physically alone.  Yes, there is a possibility I will get a sympathy invitation to go to someone's house and be the outsider watching them fulfill their traditions.  I'm not sure which is worse.  I don't want new traditions. I want what I had.

I have heard many times from people that I will find someone new.  You're young and you're pretty.  You will have no trouble.  I'm sure this is meant to be reassuring, but it is hard to hear.  First as it feels disloyal to Robert and second because I don't want anyone else.  Yes, Yes, I'm sure in time, I will want to have someone in my life.  And I blame Robert for that.  Had I not known how good a marriage/relationship could be, I would know what I was missing.  Now I do.  Isn't that just life though.  Every experience changes you, molds you, lives within you and if you are true in your life, you cannot undue it or pretend it doesn't exist.

Robert's sister and nephew are coming back and I'm relieved.  It is so nice to have his family here.  To easily be around people that loved Robert the way that I did.  I really wish that we were geographically closer.

I managed to live through the 4 week and month mark of Robert's passing.  I tried not to think about it.  Really it doesn't help marking the time as a day or a month or a year, this is still not what I want or what I signed up for.  On the 4 week mark, I received the police report of the accident. All I can say is it was horrific.  I kept telling myself the accident was quick, it was fast, he didn't feel anything....because seeing it typed in a 10 page report makes it seem like an eternity.

Feel like it is going to be a long day.  Tired and down already.

I miss you baby.  I don't understand life anymore and am trying to find a new purpose in my life.  Right now I float from one necessity to another waiting.  How long do I have to wait?

xoxo
Amy