It has been a rough few days. I'm exhausted. I'm cranky and I had a nasty epiphany this time. I am no longer first on anyone's list. I'm not a consideration on anyone's list. I don't have any one looking out for my best interest. I'm alone with only myself to depend on. I knew this would come and it has come bit by bit as everyone gets back to their normal lives.
Here's the thing, my life is far from normal. Every day is hell. Something to survive, not thrive in. Sure I can have a few moments of "forgetting" what is now my life, but it always comes back.
Ended up without plans this weekend because everyone is busy. Please friends, don't take this as me being an ungrateful witch, but it is hard to hear friends talk about weekends away, family dinners, date nights, friends coming over, going to movies, busy, normal lives. When I ask for help, I feel stupid and insecure. Then when everyone is busy, I berate myself for even asking. Of course everyone is busy, they have lives. They are not like me.
Yet I still get angry. Does anyone have any idea what I am living through? Of course not and this is something that without actually living it, there is no way to know. I hate that people try to "fit" me in where they can. Makes me feel worse. I am alone. I have to cover my own back. To go from being somebodies world and them being yours, to this...I don't get it. I am still trying to catch up to the story of my life. It has been rewritten without asking for my input.
I have to say I can see why people turn to alcohol during these situations or some other destructive behavior. Just to forget for a little while, to not feel.
I'm so tired... I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know who I am.
I don't believe it is stupid or insecure to ask for help when you've just lost your husband...I would say it is normal (if not healthy). And for the record, if I didn't live on another continent, I would totally make time to hang out.
ReplyDeleteRegarding your friends, perhaps they are not taking the initiative because they are also insecure about their ability to be there for you. Maybe they assume you will call, or maybe they feel they have no gauge by which to measure or understand your pain. Perhaps they are afraid they will say the wrong thing or be unintentionally insensitive. I worry about that sometimes.
Maybe instead of making plans for a certain day, you could ask them to make plans for a certain "thing" and negotiate a time in advance.
Also, I don't believe for a second that you aren't busy. I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit. Maybe you don't have a 9-5 work schedule, but you are a mother taking an insane amount of classes, managing a law suit, as well as your husband's estate, amongst other things.
xoxox