I had an epiphany today. I met up this evening with my dear friend, Karyn. I was blessed to meet her when in college. I had an instant connection with her and regardless of time and distance, we pick up right where we left off. I adore her. After we parted company, I had my epiphany.
When you are married or in a long term relationship so much of your identity is wrapped in that pairing. I was Robert's wife, a married woman with a "better (yes he was better) half. When anyone asked how I was, the next question is how is Robert. We accepted invitations to parties, as a couple, the +1. My +1 is gone. I am struggling to find my own identity again.
I never thought I would say that as I like to think I am a strong, independent woman. I am not defined by my marriage, by being someones wife. And yet, in so many ways, I was. This happened naturally, easily, like breathing. Our lives allowed to carelessly mingle, to dance, to caress each others, until the solo "I's" became a combined "we."
Now that "we" is no longer and I am forced back to a single I. Such an abrupt change, I'm left wondering who am I? I need to reclaim, refind, rejoice in rediscovering that single "I." No, it isn't what I wanted and I would make a deal with the devil to have Robert back. I don't have that option.
What I need is to feel connections with friends, family, strangers, anyone... as a single I. These connections in whatever form provide a kaleidoscope view of who I will be as our delicate "we" stops dancing, mingling and caressing each others physical lives. It is rebuilding what once was but can no longer exist in the same form as the "I" is forever changed from existing as a "we."
Here is what I will say to my friends, this is how you can help. Call me, make plans, invite me to do something, anything.... I need to build a strong base. I need help to do this.
I will forever be honored that I had Robert and blessed and so damn proud to have been his wife.
I love you Robert... the we that was you and I will always be delicately woven in my soul. I carry it with me now and always.
You are not alone in asking "Who Am I?". I think every widow eventually asks that question. After Joe passed I eventually got back into photography and reading books. Joe loved to watch TV and movies so when we became a couple my interests gradually went away.
ReplyDeleteDiscovering who you are is not easy and I wish you were not on this journey. I will keep you in my prayers.