As is our routine every morning, I took Lissy to preschool. Once at school, we always go potty as sometimes her body doesn't keep up with her mind. She is literally on the toilet and looks up at me with those big blue eyes and asks, "Where is my dad?" I was so startled and tears went instantly to my eyes, I repeated the question back to her. She simply said, "Yes." I told her that he was in heaven. She asked, "why?" I responded, "Because heaven needed an angel baby."
And then I lost it. Lost my shit like I haven't done in quite some time. Sitting her now, still cannot quite get it together. I was so unprepared and as a close friend in NY said to me, "You knew she was a sharp one and clearly ready for this." But I'M NOT READY! Realizing even using the word but attempts to negate what comes before and still it is. My baby that is now a spirited and challenging and loving and wickedly smart little girl was ready to talk about her daddy.
Here's the thing, it isn't like we didn't talk about her daddy. We look at pictures, I share stories, we spend time with family. She calls out "that's my daddy" now when she sees his picture. He is very much alive in our lives, especially in this little girl that would have stolen her daddy's heart in a millisecond.
So as I sit in my sadness and longing and heart break, I realize we are doing ok. My baby asked a question and I answered it honestly. I shared with her my heart was hurting because I miss daddy. And in true 3 year old form, she moved on to washing her hands and laughing at the snowman soap bubbles she created.
That's the key, I am being reminded of again as I've lost my way a bit. What matters is the people, the time, the love. What matters is this very moment, this moment in history that will never be experienced again. The rest are distractions and illusions. None of us know how much time we have on this playground called earth. We spend so much time supporting or being controlled by our ego, that we miss out on the good stuff, the juicy stuff. The things that break our hearts open in new and profound ways in hopes that we can leave it open and vulnerable and stay connected to the parts of ourselves that see the grace and good in and everything around us, including ourselves.
So, as I move into the final days before for my 3rd Christmas as the unwanted widow, I am again in awe of how blessed I am. So grateful for my family both near and far, work I love, solid friendships and my ability to surrender again to this journey of life. I am not teaching life, life is teaching me.
Merry Christmas...
