Day 40 - 48

Something big happened last night.  I have waited and longed for something from Robert.  A message, a sign, a glimpse of him, something.  I've begged him, I've cried to him, I've screamed at him.  You hear about it happening all the time.  Why can't it happen to me, for me?

I have avoided, not surprisingly, anything and everything pertaining to romance or intimate relationships.  Too painful.  See the movie The Vow, hell no.  Before I would go to these movies happily and realize I had what was on the movie screen.  I didn't long for this romantic, all consuming love because I had with with Robert.  I always left these movies feeling grateful and more in love with my husband because he was so gentle with my heart.  He did the goofy things that some men may find weak or cheesy.  Yet I assure you being on the receiving end, just made me feel loved and secure.

On my birthday this year, Robert was traveling for work.  He took a video of himself in his hotel room, singing happy birthday to me.  He took pictures of everything ( and I mean everything) when he traveled and sent them to me.  To keep us connected and share with me where he was and what he was doing.  In fact the night he passed, he sent me pictures of his empty sushi plate, a "party" bus outside of his hotel that he was convinced was there for him and sneaky pictures of folks in the meetings he was in during the day.

Robert worked at our relationship.  I realize now more so than I did.  He took the time to do the little things and the big things.   Not surprising if you knew him.  That is just "how he was."  He didn't want any kudos or praise as it was innately who he was.

Anyhow the point of this post, I finally got my message from Robert.  I ended up catching on a tv show as I was flipping channels of a  passionate kiss between a couple.  I lost it.  I mean hit the floor, sobbing, snot running down my nose onto my lips - broken, again.  There is such loneliness that consumes this space and time.  It is constant, never ending, suffocating.  It is as if someone is sitting on my chest and breathing becomes painfully laborious.   I am envious of everyone that gets to get to bed with their partner, to kiss them, to feel them, to smell them, to fight with them....

Cannot stay focused today.  I get myself up into bed with tissue and sappy 106.9 with Delilah.  If I'm going to blow it, I'm going to blow it big.  Lying in the dark on my side facing the radio, talking to Robert.  Telling how much I miss him, love him, need him, wasn't ready to say goodbye, am so lonely, afraid and the list goes on.  Always comes back to loving and missing him.  Cue the radio.... This song comes on...  the room gets quiet, my body stills and I know without any doubt that Robert is there.  He is with me.  I can feel him with such certainty that it startles me.  He is telling me to listen.  The song that plays is Wherever you will go by the Calling.  The words are breath taking.  I lay listening, crying and relishing in this moment of knowing Robert is with me, talking to me through music.

For those of you that haven't gone through something like this, I'm sure it sounds crazy.  I pray you never have to experience anything like this, but I do believe in things like this.  Always have and this has cemented my beliefs.  Robert loved music.  He lived for it.  Loved all kinds of music. It spoke to him and through him.  He used his love of music to reach me.  I had a flash of him searching for the perfect song.  One that I would recognize as being from him, specifically chosen.  Even though the sentiment of the song breaks my heart because I don't want anyone else, I want him, I get it.

Rather than simply post the lyrics, I've put a link to the song.  Take a moment and listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57z95p_xwes

Thank you love.  I hear you.... xoxox

Day 37 - Day 39

It has been a rough few days.  I'm exhausted.  I'm cranky and I had a nasty epiphany this time.  I am no longer first on anyone's list.  I'm not a consideration on anyone's list.  I don't have any one looking out for my best interest.  I'm alone with only myself to depend on.  I knew this would come and it has come bit by bit as everyone gets back to their normal lives.

Here's the thing, my life is far from normal.  Every day is hell.  Something to survive, not thrive in.  Sure I can have a few moments of "forgetting" what is now my life, but it always comes back.

Ended up without plans this weekend because everyone is busy.  Please friends, don't take this as me being an ungrateful witch, but it is hard to hear friends talk about weekends away, family dinners, date nights, friends coming over, going to movies, busy, normal lives.  When I ask for help, I feel stupid and insecure.  Then when everyone is busy, I berate myself for even asking.  Of course everyone is busy, they have lives.  They are not like me.

Yet I still get angry.  Does anyone have any idea what I am living through?  Of course not and this is something that without actually living it, there is no way to know.   I hate that people try to "fit" me in where they can.  Makes me feel worse.  I am alone.  I have to cover my own back.  To go from being somebodies world and them being yours, to this...I don't get it.  I am still trying to catch up to the story of my life.  It has been rewritten without asking for my input.

I have to say I can see why people turn to alcohol during these situations or some other destructive behavior.  Just to forget for a little while, to not feel.

I'm so tired...  I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't know where I'm going.  I don't know who I am.

Day 36

I had an epiphany today.  I met up this evening with my dear friend, Karyn.  I was blessed to meet her when in college.  I had an instant connection with her and regardless of time and distance, we pick up right where we left off.  I adore her.  After we parted company, I had my epiphany.

When you are married or in a long term relationship so much of your identity is wrapped in that pairing.  I was Robert's wife, a married woman with a "better (yes he was better) half.  When anyone asked how I was, the next question is how is Robert.  We accepted invitations to parties, as a couple, the +1.  My +1 is gone.  I am struggling to find my own identity again.

I never thought I would say that as I like to think I am a strong, independent woman.  I am not defined by my marriage, by being someones wife.  And yet, in so many ways, I was.  This happened naturally, easily, like breathing.  Our lives allowed to carelessly mingle, to dance, to caress each others, until the solo "I's" became a combined "we."

Now that "we" is no longer and I am forced back to a single I.  Such an abrupt change, I'm left wondering who am I?  I need to reclaim, refind, rejoice in rediscovering that single "I."  No, it isn't what I wanted and I would make a deal with the devil to have Robert back.  I don't have that option.

What I need is to feel connections with friends, family, strangers, anyone... as a single I.  These connections in whatever form provide a kaleidoscope view of who I will be as our delicate "we" stops dancing, mingling and caressing each others physical lives.  It is rebuilding what once was but can no longer exist in the same form as the "I" is forever changed from existing as a "we."

Here is what I will say to my friends, this is how you can help.  Call me, make plans, invite me to do something, anything....  I need to build a strong base.  I need help to do this.

I will forever be honored that I had Robert and blessed and so damn proud to have been his wife.

I love you Robert...  the we that was you and I will always be delicately woven in my soul.  I carry it with me now and always.

Day 31-Day 35

Wow, can't believe it has been 5 days.  I wish that I had something grand to report or some dramatic turn of events, but I don't.   Each day is freakishly the same right now.  Waking up and starting each day takes so much energy.  My new reality, my life slaps me upside the head so incredibly fast.  I lay there for at least 30 minutes trying to make sense of this.  Trying to find a way to move forward, trying to rationalize what the hell happened.

I wish I could say thinking about the future, I am optimistic with visions of unicorns and rainbows.  I have a clean slate in front of me with lots of opportunities and I am in control of my destiny.  But I don't want any of them.  I was happy and fulfilled in the life I had.  It took me a long time to get comfortable in my own skin (though this journey is not totally complete).  Surprising to many I'm sure to hear me say that.  Robert was such a stable force in my life and for the first time with him, I felt like I was where I was supposed to be.  I had stopped looking for something or someone to complete me or complete my life.

I do wish that for everyone.  I had a magical love affair with my husband.  I adored him.  We had this amazing chemistry that radiated from each of us.  There was a magical force when we were together.  I know what I am missing.  I know what I have lost.  The grief is like a slow painful death.  The part of me that was "Robert and Amy"  and "Robert's wife" is dying and all I can do is watch it happen.

I don't want to play the role of the widow.  Just typing that word, I cannot relate to it.  I don't see myself as a widow.  I can't be right?  I'm 38... who is a widow at 38?  Not many I have found out, but I do know one (xo - KP).  I reached out to a local support group only to find out I am younger by 30 years.  No thanks.  Yet that is how it should be right?  You should have a chance to live your life, to have a life...

I feel like I am a snow globe that someone keeps shaking every time I feel like I may have a lay of the land.  I wonder when I will have my first day without tears?  I wonder when this new normal will become an old routine?  I wonder when, if ever, will I accept what has happened?  What the hell has happened?   What the hell did I do to deserve this?

I am wearing shoes that are too small.  There is a new language of death and widowhood that I fail to comprehend.  The native tongue I do not know.  Shadows and dense fog cloud my ability to see clearly to prevent myself from falling and falling hard.  Who is that woman I feel frantically grasping for something to hold on to?

I miss you love.  I need you. I want you.  So simple and like life and love so complex.  Stay with me and help me through this.  Please love me that much...

Always
~A

Day 30

Being a widow and losing Robert - well this whole experience as you can imagine has changed me.  In many ways, I hope these changes stay with me as they are good and positive and necessary.  For example, I don't sweat much of the small stuff anymore. Ok, except vacuuming my house, but I have 2 dogs and 3 cats.  Furthermore, when that is the only thing you can control, you gotta run with it.

I had started to see people differently before but not I see people as a compilation of their life experiences living in the present moments.  No need to judge or condemn as I did not walk in the shoes and I don't know what their life plan entails.  I have to believe we all have a purpose here and that life is not just a bunch of random events tentatively strung together.  This does not mean I don't believe in free will as I do, but also that there has to be some sort of higher calling or life calling for each of us.

If I look at Robert, I have a hard time rationalize what I just said.  The man I loved that changed my life completely, his life purpose was completed at the age of 48?  How does that happen? What was his life purpose?  I could argue it was to save me because he did.  This means he ultimately saved Addy as well.  Or was it that this was simply a random accident and the world is full of randomness that seems like coincidence and yet it isn't.

I don't apologize anymore for who I am.  I'm not perfect, even though I try to be; which is crazy.  I don't hide who I am and worry about what others think anymore.  I don't have the time and in all honesty, I'm ok with myself.  I'm honest in my broken-ness.  I don't claim to be anything other a person living in this life, trying to get the most out of it while causing and enduring the least amount of pain and suffering.

I don't waste my time on people, things, emotions, that aren't worth it.  We all grow up with expectations and obligations.  Often we go through life living and doing for everyone else and putting ourselves last.  Something we as women, hear all the time.  It is true.  I'm not talking about becoming a selfish bitch but I am talking about investing my time, the most valuable gift I have, to what matters in my life.  I don't need to take care of everyone else to the detriment of myself as ultimately I would be no good to anyone.  This makes me think of a Leanne Rimes song "What I Cannot Change."  There is a line that says, "it is easier to please the world than it is to please myself."   That speaks to me.

I am much more efficient at attaching a level of importance to tasks I have to undertake.  For example, in finishing my bachelors degree, does it really matter if I get don't get a 4.0 on my exams?  In the grand scope of life, nope.   Yet 6 weeks ago, I might have argued this one out.  I use the measure of "will anyone catch on fire if X or Y happens?" Ironically, the answer is always no.  Ponder that.

Loving you my darling husband now as I always have.  Thank you for loving me so completely.  xoxo

~A

Day 26 - Day 29

Every morning really is the same.  Now that I am able to sleep and rarely dream, sleep is an escape.  Then I wake up in the morning and the truth, my new reality, I realize is still lingering.  In so many ways it is breaking habits.  We had a routine for how much of our life worked and now simply I don't.

I try not to worry about the future and like the alcoholic mantra we all know, I take one day at a time.  It isn't always easy.  I worry about the holidays and being alone.  I never like the holidays anyhow and now I have a new found dread.  Going to have to work on this as I can feel my anxiety piling on.  Addy with her dad and Sam and Steph with their mum, seriously alone, physically alone.  Yes, there is a possibility I will get a sympathy invitation to go to someone's house and be the outsider watching them fulfill their traditions.  I'm not sure which is worse.  I don't want new traditions. I want what I had.

I have heard many times from people that I will find someone new.  You're young and you're pretty.  You will have no trouble.  I'm sure this is meant to be reassuring, but it is hard to hear.  First as it feels disloyal to Robert and second because I don't want anyone else.  Yes, Yes, I'm sure in time, I will want to have someone in my life.  And I blame Robert for that.  Had I not known how good a marriage/relationship could be, I would know what I was missing.  Now I do.  Isn't that just life though.  Every experience changes you, molds you, lives within you and if you are true in your life, you cannot undue it or pretend it doesn't exist.

Robert's sister and nephew are coming back and I'm relieved.  It is so nice to have his family here.  To easily be around people that loved Robert the way that I did.  I really wish that we were geographically closer.

I managed to live through the 4 week and month mark of Robert's passing.  I tried not to think about it.  Really it doesn't help marking the time as a day or a month or a year, this is still not what I want or what I signed up for.  On the 4 week mark, I received the police report of the accident. All I can say is it was horrific.  I kept telling myself the accident was quick, it was fast, he didn't feel anything....because seeing it typed in a 10 page report makes it seem like an eternity.

Feel like it is going to be a long day.  Tired and down already.

I miss you baby.  I don't understand life anymore and am trying to find a new purpose in my life.  Right now I float from one necessity to another waiting.  How long do I have to wait?

xoxo
Amy

Day 24 & Day 25

I am fast approaching the 4 week mark.  Greatly the hot pain that takes away my breath and makes me feel like the world is crashing down is slowly turning into more of a constant ache with intermittent loss of breath.  There are just so many things to miss about my love.  Robert was so good at making me feel like I mattered, no matter what was going on for him or in our lives.  I was a priority.  He did the little things that make the difference.  Always the gentleman, always looking out for me.

I really wish I knew what happened in those last few moments before he was taken from me.  So many questions and no answers.  And unfortunately no amount of money can ever give me this peace.  I keep getting "sympathy" cards in the mail from ambulance chasers (aka attorneys) looking to represent me.  I never really thought these sort of people existed, but I assure you they do.

I really wish I knew exactly when Robert was with me.  I wish I knew what he was thinking about what is going on or if he has an opinion or a thought.  I miss talking to my best friend.  I often urge him to give me a sign he is with me like make a light flicker or a song come on the radio.  It is amazing how desperate you become just for a link, a connection, a feeling that you aren't alone.

I worry a lot about what the rest of my life will look like.  I never thought I would be here, in this space.  I never imagined this would be my life. This happens to other people or in those stupid Lifetime movies.  Ok, confessional time, don't judge...  I worry I will always be lonely.  That I will always miss Robert with such intensity that I grow a bit jaded in my views of relationships and love.  There will never be another Robert for me.  Yes, I know that there is only 1 of everyone, but I had it all.  The likelihood I will have that again, seems laughable.  Two miracles in 1 lifetime? Impossible.   I don't want a relationship now, it isn't about that.  I'm 38... if I live the average (which that in itself is laughable too) to say 80, I am not even half way through my life.  

I did have a moment of feeling blessed for my daughter and Sam/Steph.  They are a reason for me to keep moving and without them, I would likely rot away on the sofa watching Maury Povich and Hoarders in Robert's fleece sweatshirt (yes, I'm wearing it now).  It is a battle to get out of bed in the morning and nothing really seems to matter anymore.  All the little things, are little things.  We are so busy trying to accomplish something or just keep up that we lose time.  We lose life because we don't stop.  We aren't mindful.  That is one thing I hope to keep from this experience. I am aware and in the moment likely because the pain is keeping me here.  

The start of another week of working on estate things.  I cannot believe how much there is to do.  And it is never 1 easy step.  There are multiple steps and touch points.  Bless Robert's company for holding my hand through all of this.  Big shout out to Dave, Cathie, Tom, Kent, Tim....  and for Robert's family for loving me through their own pain and loss, my friends for stepping up when I thought I would be an island and deserted...

xoxo
~A

Day 23

I'm not sure how time continues to move forward.  I'm in a continual state of exhaustion.  I almost, ok I do, become paralyzed at times when I think of all the things I need to handle.  I think I could handle it if I just had house/estate stuff to deal with but when 18 credits of school is added on top of that - well it is just too much.  On of my classes is world religion and I have to say that right now, I think religion and faith is just a bunch of junk.  If I am to believe everything happens for a reason.  Tell me what is the reason for this is?  And if you don't know, how long am I supposed to wait to make some semblance of the madness?

I have discovered that I cannot be in this house for long periods of time by myself.  I end up going to a pretty dark place.  I find the house comforting at some levels as I can see Robert everywhere and have so many memories.  Still hate the bedroom.  Fell asleep on the sofa tonight, which I never do exhausted...came upstairs to go to bed and wham wide awake.  What is it about this room?

I find myself thinking about what would I do if I saw Robert one more time or had one more day with him.  What would I do?   It would be nothing flashy or adventurous.  I would simply want to be with him alone and absorb every part of him.  Hear his voice, lay my head on his chest and smell him, feel his arms around me.   It really was the only place I have ever felt like I fit in.  I want to talk to him, laugh with him, kiss him.  Lace my fingers with his and just be.  I'm so lonely without him.

Adjusting to life without him is not easy.  I have only myself at the end of the day to rely on.  Everyone else goes back to their own lives and their own families.  I miss the intimacy our marriage had.  We really were a force of one.  There was never a day with Robert that I looked at him and thought what have I done or I really don't like him very much.  He was easy to be with.  Truth be told, I was likely the difficult one of the two of us.  Moody, emotional, demanding, harsh at times with my words.  Sometimes for good reasons, sometimes not so much.

I told Robert before we got married that I want to love with abandonment like in the movie Love Actually.  I realize now that I did.  There isn't anything I wouldn't have done for him, for us if he'd ask me too.  And yet he never asked.  When we got married, when the officiant was gearing up to announce us  man and wife, I was giddy.  Couldn't believe in this lifetime that I could be so lucky as to have such an amazing man love me. Robert was so serious in those moments and I remember asking him why later as it I worried that maybe he thought he was making a mistake.  He simply said he took his commitment to me, the kids and our future seriously.

Life is so different now.  I fear nothing.  I have even less time for people that make me feel bad or are a drain on my energy.  I always gauge my time with someone as to how I feel when we part ways.  I am learning not to apologize for how I am and more importantly how I am living my life.  I spent so many years doing the right thing for everyone else, keeping every one else happy and sacrificing myself and my soul in the process.  Worrying about what people thought, didn't want to embarrass myself.  Held me back in so many ways.  Such a waste of time and energy.  So many things are not important anymore because at the end of the day it really is all about life and death.

The song What I Cannot Change by Leanne Rimes, fit my life before but now even more than ever... There will never be enough tears in my body to ease the loss of my love and I will my best to honor him, our relationship and myself in the way he would have wanted for me...

I love you baby forever and a day, ~A


"What I Cannot Change"

I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

I don't know my Father
Or my Mother well enough
Seems like every time we talk we can't get past the little stuff
The pain is self inflicted
I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Right now I can't care about how everyone else will feel
I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can