I am fast approaching the 4 week mark. Greatly the hot pain that takes away my breath and makes me feel like the world is crashing down is slowly turning into more of a constant ache with intermittent loss of breath. There are just so many things to miss about my love. Robert was so good at making me feel like I mattered, no matter what was going on for him or in our lives. I was a priority. He did the little things that make the difference. Always the gentleman, always looking out for me.
I really wish I knew what happened in those last few moments before he was taken from me. So many questions and no answers. And unfortunately no amount of money can ever give me this peace. I keep getting "sympathy" cards in the mail from ambulance chasers (aka attorneys) looking to represent me. I never really thought these sort of people existed, but I assure you they do.
I really wish I knew exactly when Robert was with me. I wish I knew what he was thinking about what is going on or if he has an opinion or a thought. I miss talking to my best friend. I often urge him to give me a sign he is with me like make a light flicker or a song come on the radio. It is amazing how desperate you become just for a link, a connection, a feeling that you aren't alone.
I worry a lot about what the rest of my life will look like. I never thought I would be here, in this space. I never imagined this would be my life. This happens to other people or in those stupid Lifetime movies. Ok, confessional time, don't judge... I worry I will always be lonely. That I will always miss Robert with such intensity that I grow a bit jaded in my views of relationships and love. There will never be another Robert for me. Yes, I know that there is only 1 of everyone, but I had it all. The likelihood I will have that again, seems laughable. Two miracles in 1 lifetime? Impossible. I don't want a relationship now, it isn't about that. I'm 38... if I live the average (which that in itself is laughable too) to say 80, I am not even half way through my life.
I did have a moment of feeling blessed for my daughter and Sam/Steph. They are a reason for me to keep moving and without them, I would likely rot away on the sofa watching Maury Povich and Hoarders in Robert's fleece sweatshirt (yes, I'm wearing it now). It is a battle to get out of bed in the morning and nothing really seems to matter anymore. All the little things, are little things. We are so busy trying to accomplish something or just keep up that we lose time. We lose life because we don't stop. We aren't mindful. That is one thing I hope to keep from this experience. I am aware and in the moment likely because the pain is keeping me here.
The start of another week of working on estate things. I cannot believe how much there is to do. And it is never 1 easy step. There are multiple steps and touch points. Bless Robert's company for holding my hand through all of this. Big shout out to Dave, Cathie, Tom, Kent, Tim.... and for Robert's family for loving me through their own pain and loss, my friends for stepping up when I thought I would be an island and deserted...
xoxo
~A
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