I'm so naive. I seriously believed in my heart of hearts, that I could simply treat today like any other day without my husband. I mean I've managed 364 other ones, right? And well, I did pull it off for a while. I even had myself convinced that today wasn't "the day." A few friends posted on FB and I thought, "gosh, they don't know it isn't today." Aren't our brains amazing? Mine protected me as long as it could until I was ready and able to sit, process, reflect and again, again, again...move forward - after of course losing it. Snot streaming, eyes burning, heaving chest.... losing it.
I've found in a short window of time tonight, I've managed to run through all the fabulous stages of grief, that everyone feels they should talk to you about when you lose someone close. As if knowing the stages exist, will make experiencing them easier, less profound, less significant. Like I am supposed to be able to take a step back and get perspective. I should be able to tell myself that what I'm feeling is normal and anyone in my situation would react the same and everyone understands. Dumb dumbs...
No one understands. Ok that's not true, nor is it fair - in unique and varying ways everyone that has lost someone they were truly close to, has some notion. They have their own perspectives and perceptions of loss. Their relationships were uniquely their own and one that is not identical anywhere else in the world. For this reason - I count myself incredibly lucky.
I loved my husband. No, I didn't just love him, I adored him. From the very first moment...I knew I was meant to be with him. Never before has anyone ever captured my heart and soul in the way that Robert did. I had no doubt that my whole life had been preparing me for this moment. I felt like all the pain and suffering had not been in vain. I saw the pain instead as a teacher, guiding me, pushing me, growing me, so that my own awareness would be so heightened - I wouldn't miss that something magical was happening.
And I did know.
And I never took it for granted.
And I still don't take it for granted. I was lucky and blessed to have been able to call him my husband. I hope that those of you that saw us together, read about our lives on FB, or heard me talk about him - could see what pure magic, came from our relationship. And my loving husband, even now is holding my hand and proving that this world, my world is still magical.
Now he is the teacher and I am learning. I am evolving. I am ever changing and forever changed. This man that brought such joy and love into my life, is showing me that my life can still be filled with joy and love. He is showing me the way. He has not left my side, physically - yes, but he is with me. This I know for sure.
So as today marks the 365th day, the one year anniversary - it marks the last of my firsts as the unwanted widow. As much as a relief this is to have one of everything under my belt, it also means time is moving forward and like it or not, I'm moving with it.
I'm still not sure what will come of this unwanted widow during the next 365 days and beyond...and yet I know inherently that I will be ok. I will be happy. I am oh so blessed to share a love that continues on in ways I never imagined. I am the mother to two beautiful little souls that have been placed in my hands and I know I am privileged to be their mommy. I have amazing friends that regardless of my ask - show up time and time again. And my ever present English family that shows me all to often, that Robert's loves are their loves - no questions asked.
In a few hours, I will slowly, gently close the door on the unwanted widow, the first 365 days.
And I will fling open the new door and new doors coming my way with laughter, love and light in my heart...
So, see you later unwanted widow....
it's been quite the journey...
