Day 54 - Day 81

I am fast approaching the 3 month mark.  Just typing that brings tears to my eyes.  I can't believe it.  I still have moments where it seems that things are the way they used to be.  There is always the harsh realization when I come to.  Have been having awful nightmares lately.  The latest involved being on vacation with Robert.  I was waiting for him and I was getting worried because he hadn't shown up.  My cell didn't work and no one around me could help me and often they just looked at me like they couldn't hear me.

That's really how this feels sometimes, that no one can hear me.  No one can hear my heart breaking.  No one can hear the tears splash my pillow each night.  No one can hear the anguish, loss, pain and bewilderment that is masked behind the words, "I'm doing ok."  This situation is completely isolating.  I am like an island that friends and family circle around and visit but they never stay take away my burdens.  It feels as if they never hear me.  It feels as if I will never be heard again.

It feels as if a part of my life has ended and been taken from me in such a drastic measure that I didn't have time to prepare myself for it.  I'm not just talking about my life with Robert and our future that has vanished like a brilliant magic trick, but the other facets of Amy that slipped away.  It is hard for me to remember that girl.  I see past pictures of myself and I see a stranger.  I am not the same girl anymore.  

I am now only a mother, friend, daughter and sister.  No longer am I someone's better half.  No longer am I someone's confident.  No longer am I the object of someone's desire.  No longer am I desirable.  All of those parts of me have disappeared.  I cannot see them. I cannot find them.  I have only faint memories of that girl.  I am broken.  Truly, utterly, horribly broken.    I am saddled with more responsibilities than it feels I can handle, yet I have no choice.   I feel cheated and defeated.  Forced into a life that I cannot change no matter how hard I try or how perfect I become.

If only there was a way to rationalize this.  Trust me I would find it.  I don't see how this can be part of God's plan.  God has not been very good to me; which I know you're not supposed to say.  Yet it is the truth.  Life has not been easy and I've been tested more times than I care to remember.  Have I failed those tests?  Why do the tests continue to come?

So - I've been trying to work on gratitude.  That is finding it, saying it, feeling it and sometimes even believing it.  I have many blessings in my life, I am aware of that and I don't mean to sound ungrateful.  I know often what you need is not what you get.  Well I don't get this and I'll be brazen enough to say that most in my position would feel the same way.  I mean really try to imagine it.  It is unimaginable until it isn't.

I miss my husband.  I miss who I was with my husband, in his eyes, in his love.  I miss the simplicity of life.  I miss that girl I use to be and am fearful of the woman I am becoming.   I wonder if the two will ever mix?  If in time the two me's will flow together as if they were always like siamese twins reflecting back on each other.  Only time will tell.

Day 49 - Day 53

Here it is... I'm lonely.  Miserably, completely, certifiably lonely.  I am afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life.  Yes, many have said, you are so young, you will find someone else.  I don't want anyone else.  Any other man that enters my life will have such a hard act to follow.

I really didn't know that I could love someone so completely.  Putting all of my insecurities (and there are many) out there on the line and still asking to be loved.  I suppose this is one of the joys, if there is such a thing, of getting older.  I am so much more comfortable in my skin today, than I was 5 years ago and definitely than I was 10 years ago.  I live more freely realizing I have one life and I cannot live for anyone other than myself and my family.

In being with Robert, he gave me the freedom and time to really figure out Amy.  Boy was this not always a pretty packaged process.  There is still work to be done, but I know the work and am capable of completing the journey.  I wish I had Robert by my side and realize this will never be a desire that goes away.

I realized with Robert that I like in many ways being the "little woman."  Such a derogatory comment that is.  I liked taking care of my family and organizing schedules and being able to be the nurturer and mom and wife without the stress of having to earn the almighty dollar.  Had you asked me 10 years ago, I would have told you I would never give up my career and likely be insane if I had to stay home all the time.  I like feeling like a lady, feminine and soft.  I hope this doesn't disappear amiss the current chaos.

Part of this loneliness is missing not just the physical, emotional, spiritual needs that Robert fulfilled for me, but also the tactile, mundane and confusing parts of our life that I preferred to know only the bare necessities.  Planning my own will now, setting all the bills up in my name, refinancing a mortgage, landscaping, investments, walking the dogs, house repairs,  estate items, social security, health insurance.... the list just goes on and on.  I didn't say thank you enough.

Robert was such a provider and not just monetarily.  He really was a true gentleman and took his role as my husband very seriously.  I have never felt so loved, appreciated, cared for and protected.  I in return, would have done absolutely anything he asked of me. I supported the decisions he made even when I didn't agree with them.  I knew he had my best interest at heart and would never intentionally jeopardize our relationship or family.

Maybe he was too good to be on this earth.  It really is impossible to simply accept accidents happen.  How do people have blind faith in situations like this?  I do wish that I felt that way and am jealous of those that are able to.  I just have to believe there is more to this story than a simple accident.

Loving you Robert....  always waiting, listening, hoping you will reach out to me.