Here it is... I'm lonely. Miserably, completely, certifiably lonely. I am afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life. Yes, many have said, you are so young, you will find someone else. I don't want anyone else. Any other man that enters my life will have such a hard act to follow.
I really didn't know that I could love someone so completely. Putting all of my insecurities (and there are many) out there on the line and still asking to be loved. I suppose this is one of the joys, if there is such a thing, of getting older. I am so much more comfortable in my skin today, than I was 5 years ago and definitely than I was 10 years ago. I live more freely realizing I have one life and I cannot live for anyone other than myself and my family.
In being with Robert, he gave me the freedom and time to really figure out Amy. Boy was this not always a pretty packaged process. There is still work to be done, but I know the work and am capable of completing the journey. I wish I had Robert by my side and realize this will never be a desire that goes away.
I realized with Robert that I like in many ways being the "little woman." Such a derogatory comment that is. I liked taking care of my family and organizing schedules and being able to be the nurturer and mom and wife without the stress of having to earn the almighty dollar. Had you asked me 10 years ago, I would have told you I would never give up my career and likely be insane if I had to stay home all the time. I like feeling like a lady, feminine and soft. I hope this doesn't disappear amiss the current chaos.
Part of this loneliness is missing not just the physical, emotional, spiritual needs that Robert fulfilled for me, but also the tactile, mundane and confusing parts of our life that I preferred to know only the bare necessities. Planning my own will now, setting all the bills up in my name, refinancing a mortgage, landscaping, investments, walking the dogs, house repairs, estate items, social security, health insurance.... the list just goes on and on. I didn't say thank you enough.
Robert was such a provider and not just monetarily. He really was a true gentleman and took his role as my husband very seriously. I have never felt so loved, appreciated, cared for and protected. I in return, would have done absolutely anything he asked of me. I supported the decisions he made even when I didn't agree with them. I knew he had my best interest at heart and would never intentionally jeopardize our relationship or family.
Maybe he was too good to be on this earth. It really is impossible to simply accept accidents happen. How do people have blind faith in situations like this? I do wish that I felt that way and am jealous of those that are able to. I just have to believe there is more to this story than a simple accident.
Loving you Robert.... always waiting, listening, hoping you will reach out to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment