Day 31-Day 35

Wow, can't believe it has been 5 days.  I wish that I had something grand to report or some dramatic turn of events, but I don't.   Each day is freakishly the same right now.  Waking up and starting each day takes so much energy.  My new reality, my life slaps me upside the head so incredibly fast.  I lay there for at least 30 minutes trying to make sense of this.  Trying to find a way to move forward, trying to rationalize what the hell happened.

I wish I could say thinking about the future, I am optimistic with visions of unicorns and rainbows.  I have a clean slate in front of me with lots of opportunities and I am in control of my destiny.  But I don't want any of them.  I was happy and fulfilled in the life I had.  It took me a long time to get comfortable in my own skin (though this journey is not totally complete).  Surprising to many I'm sure to hear me say that.  Robert was such a stable force in my life and for the first time with him, I felt like I was where I was supposed to be.  I had stopped looking for something or someone to complete me or complete my life.

I do wish that for everyone.  I had a magical love affair with my husband.  I adored him.  We had this amazing chemistry that radiated from each of us.  There was a magical force when we were together.  I know what I am missing.  I know what I have lost.  The grief is like a slow painful death.  The part of me that was "Robert and Amy"  and "Robert's wife" is dying and all I can do is watch it happen.

I don't want to play the role of the widow.  Just typing that word, I cannot relate to it.  I don't see myself as a widow.  I can't be right?  I'm 38... who is a widow at 38?  Not many I have found out, but I do know one (xo - KP).  I reached out to a local support group only to find out I am younger by 30 years.  No thanks.  Yet that is how it should be right?  You should have a chance to live your life, to have a life...

I feel like I am a snow globe that someone keeps shaking every time I feel like I may have a lay of the land.  I wonder when I will have my first day without tears?  I wonder when this new normal will become an old routine?  I wonder when, if ever, will I accept what has happened?  What the hell has happened?   What the hell did I do to deserve this?

I am wearing shoes that are too small.  There is a new language of death and widowhood that I fail to comprehend.  The native tongue I do not know.  Shadows and dense fog cloud my ability to see clearly to prevent myself from falling and falling hard.  Who is that woman I feel frantically grasping for something to hold on to?

I miss you love.  I need you. I want you.  So simple and like life and love so complex.  Stay with me and help me through this.  Please love me that much...

Always
~A