Being a widow and losing Robert - well this whole experience as you can imagine has changed me. In many ways, I hope these changes stay with me as they are good and positive and necessary. For example, I don't sweat much of the small stuff anymore. Ok, except vacuuming my house, but I have 2 dogs and 3 cats. Furthermore, when that is the only thing you can control, you gotta run with it.
I had started to see people differently before but not I see people as a compilation of their life experiences living in the present moments. No need to judge or condemn as I did not walk in the shoes and I don't know what their life plan entails. I have to believe we all have a purpose here and that life is not just a bunch of random events tentatively strung together. This does not mean I don't believe in free will as I do, but also that there has to be some sort of higher calling or life calling for each of us.
If I look at Robert, I have a hard time rationalize what I just said. The man I loved that changed my life completely, his life purpose was completed at the age of 48? How does that happen? What was his life purpose? I could argue it was to save me because he did. This means he ultimately saved Addy as well. Or was it that this was simply a random accident and the world is full of randomness that seems like coincidence and yet it isn't.
I don't apologize anymore for who I am. I'm not perfect, even though I try to be; which is crazy. I don't hide who I am and worry about what others think anymore. I don't have the time and in all honesty, I'm ok with myself. I'm honest in my broken-ness. I don't claim to be anything other a person living in this life, trying to get the most out of it while causing and enduring the least amount of pain and suffering.
I don't waste my time on people, things, emotions, that aren't worth it. We all grow up with expectations and obligations. Often we go through life living and doing for everyone else and putting ourselves last. Something we as women, hear all the time. It is true. I'm not talking about becoming a selfish bitch but I am talking about investing my time, the most valuable gift I have, to what matters in my life. I don't need to take care of everyone else to the detriment of myself as ultimately I would be no good to anyone. This makes me think of a Leanne Rimes song "What I Cannot Change." There is a line that says, "it is easier to please the world than it is to please myself." That speaks to me.
I am much more efficient at attaching a level of importance to tasks I have to undertake. For example, in finishing my bachelors degree, does it really matter if I get don't get a 4.0 on my exams? In the grand scope of life, nope. Yet 6 weeks ago, I might have argued this one out. I use the measure of "will anyone catch on fire if X or Y happens?" Ironically, the answer is always no. Ponder that.
Loving you my darling husband now as I always have. Thank you for loving me so completely. xoxo
~A
No comments:
Post a Comment