Day 23

I'm not sure how time continues to move forward.  I'm in a continual state of exhaustion.  I almost, ok I do, become paralyzed at times when I think of all the things I need to handle.  I think I could handle it if I just had house/estate stuff to deal with but when 18 credits of school is added on top of that - well it is just too much.  On of my classes is world religion and I have to say that right now, I think religion and faith is just a bunch of junk.  If I am to believe everything happens for a reason.  Tell me what is the reason for this is?  And if you don't know, how long am I supposed to wait to make some semblance of the madness?

I have discovered that I cannot be in this house for long periods of time by myself.  I end up going to a pretty dark place.  I find the house comforting at some levels as I can see Robert everywhere and have so many memories.  Still hate the bedroom.  Fell asleep on the sofa tonight, which I never do exhausted...came upstairs to go to bed and wham wide awake.  What is it about this room?

I find myself thinking about what would I do if I saw Robert one more time or had one more day with him.  What would I do?   It would be nothing flashy or adventurous.  I would simply want to be with him alone and absorb every part of him.  Hear his voice, lay my head on his chest and smell him, feel his arms around me.   It really was the only place I have ever felt like I fit in.  I want to talk to him, laugh with him, kiss him.  Lace my fingers with his and just be.  I'm so lonely without him.

Adjusting to life without him is not easy.  I have only myself at the end of the day to rely on.  Everyone else goes back to their own lives and their own families.  I miss the intimacy our marriage had.  We really were a force of one.  There was never a day with Robert that I looked at him and thought what have I done or I really don't like him very much.  He was easy to be with.  Truth be told, I was likely the difficult one of the two of us.  Moody, emotional, demanding, harsh at times with my words.  Sometimes for good reasons, sometimes not so much.

I told Robert before we got married that I want to love with abandonment like in the movie Love Actually.  I realize now that I did.  There isn't anything I wouldn't have done for him, for us if he'd ask me too.  And yet he never asked.  When we got married, when the officiant was gearing up to announce us  man and wife, I was giddy.  Couldn't believe in this lifetime that I could be so lucky as to have such an amazing man love me. Robert was so serious in those moments and I remember asking him why later as it I worried that maybe he thought he was making a mistake.  He simply said he took his commitment to me, the kids and our future seriously.

Life is so different now.  I fear nothing.  I have even less time for people that make me feel bad or are a drain on my energy.  I always gauge my time with someone as to how I feel when we part ways.  I am learning not to apologize for how I am and more importantly how I am living my life.  I spent so many years doing the right thing for everyone else, keeping every one else happy and sacrificing myself and my soul in the process.  Worrying about what people thought, didn't want to embarrass myself.  Held me back in so many ways.  Such a waste of time and energy.  So many things are not important anymore because at the end of the day it really is all about life and death.

The song What I Cannot Change by Leanne Rimes, fit my life before but now even more than ever... There will never be enough tears in my body to ease the loss of my love and I will my best to honor him, our relationship and myself in the way he would have wanted for me...

I love you baby forever and a day, ~A


"What I Cannot Change"

I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

I don't know my Father
Or my Mother well enough
Seems like every time we talk we can't get past the little stuff
The pain is self inflicted
I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Right now I can't care about how everyone else will feel
I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can