Hi Baby. Had a moment today where I just forgot... Pulled into the garage after dinner with some friends and saw your car in the garage. Since it has been in the driveway, I got so excited to see it in the your bay in the garage. Couldn't wait to get inside and see you. I forgot. How could I forget? Then the tears hit sitting in the car with the dogs barking in the house.
I often wonder if you are around me, near me. Are you here all the time? If not, when? Only when I'm hurting? or when I think of something you would love to hear or see? or if I think of something that you might say to me. How does the whole death thing work? Are you only allowed to be with me for a certain period of time? Does the light really exist? I wish I knew how this worked. No one really knows. Lots of people have opinions and assumptions, but really you don't know until you do.
I think I would be less lonely if I knew for sure you were here. I look for you everywhere. Waiting for the glimpse to see you, feel you, smell you. I feel like I'm doing something wrong looking for the wrong clues. I worry I've missed my opportunity for you to come to me. How will I know? Or maybe this too is something that doesn't really exist? Or just something we create in our minds to ease the pain? All so damn confusing.
Finally washed the bed linens today. I couldn't smell you anymore. Even the shirts I have sitting on your pillow above your photo, they too are losing your smell. It feels like everything is slipping away. I'm in a life I don't recognize anymore.
I just miss you. That sound so simple and like a 4-year old. There are so many things that I'll never be able to write them all down. What I miss right now is knowing that my life will ok. That you will take care of me and help me through anything I need to face. That at the end of every day, I get to lay down with my best friend and know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. My life made sense with you. Now I can't make sense of anything. Just getting through the seconds, the minutes, the hours - well that is enough.
I love you baby. Wonder when I will have a day without tears. Tomorrow is 3 weeks. It seems like an eternity.
Always yours
~A
I can tell you from my experiences dear one, that Robert is with you always. Reaching out to you through the veil so thin that seperates us from our loved ones, and they from us. Open your heart to recieve his support and love, and that of the others who are looking over you from the otherside. It is a comfort that I turn to, have which has helped me through many hard times. What is the harm in accepting the intangible? We do it all the time; and if something as simple as knowing he is with you can allow yourself a speck of comfort, then why would you deny either of you? Many people are blind to the spirit that surrounds us, but surrounds us, it does. What moves the wind, and the sea, and how do you explain grief and joy, intangibles, yet you know it. You are doing an amazing job of taking care of things even through the devistation you are suffering. Blessings on you, m.
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