Day 9

Morning my love.  Time seems to be slipping past me and instead of counting the days with you, I am counting the days without you.  There would never have been enough time.  I cannot wait to see you again in Heaven and meet your dad.  In some strange way this gives me a moments peace.  I know that you are free of the body you despised.  For this I am thankful.  Maybe now, you can see all that you are; which is so much more than you gave yourself credit for.

One of the hardest things I'm beginning to realize is I look for you everywhere.   Waking up this morning and tripping over the cats and dogs to get to the bathroom, I expected to see you bounding up the stairs, likely on a conference call on speaker so loud it was deafening.  You would pull me into your arms, ask how'd I slept and what was in store for me for the day.  Then I remember and the nightmare settles around me again like a straight jacket two sizes too small.  Still like waiting for and believing in Santa, I think you will come to me again.  This I have to believe.

Yesterday even though it was your birthday, you gave me a gift.   You again have done the impossible and I could hear your running commentary.  Stay with me love, help me through this journey.  Our dreams can still become reality even if the shape of the love is different.

I had a high school friend, Katie, send me a bonsai tree on Valentine's day.  I was touched beyond words.  Someone took the time to remember me and honor you.  What she wrote in her card has been one of the most profound things I've heard.  It read along the lines of love, love is not gone but simply transformed.

Many times people don't know what to say or what to do in these situations and I'm realizing that saying or doing the right things doesn't matter.  You have just have to do something.  This is such an isolating experience when the acts of kindness are displayed, I feel not so alone.  I make this promise to you my love, I will never let someone go through a death alone.

More tasks on the horizon today with attempting to get your iPhone and Ipad unlocked. Then off to the estate attorney and a late lunch with Steph.  Missing Sam and Steph right now.  Grateful they have a return and school to fall back into.  Glad they don't have to deal with the details of death.  Addy made you a treasure box yesterday and it is on her nightstand.  She asked for some of your ashes and a picture of you to create a Robert corner in her room.  So many things the kids still had to learn from you.  I told you before and I feel more so now, that I will fight for Steph and Addy to find a partner that treats them the way you treated me.  To expect, to want and to deserve nothing less.  For Sam, I will remind him always of the gentleman you were and how providing for your family not just monetarily but emotionally and spiritually will create a life worth living.  One that will come back to you over and over again.  Your legacy my love will live on, for this I promise you.

Just realizing that even in your death, you are making me a better person.  I hope I can make you proud.

Always and a day, ~A