Day 12

Robert's family is heading back to England today.  I don't want them to go.  They are a link to the Robert I knew and loved.  It is easy to be with them and easy to talk about Robert.  The house will be quiet tonight.  I am afraid.  There are times when I really wonder how much more I can take.  There are times I don't want to take anymore.  Just hide away forever away from everything.  Locked in a box where I cannot be touched or hurt, where I cannot feel.

There is a part of me that wants to quickly get through the necessary tasks so that I can stop saying the words, "My husband died."  "My husband passed away."  "My husband was killed in an accident."  Take your pick. So many ways to say it and all of them awful.  Saying it makes it real.  I still want to believe that he will come back.  This really is just one big misunderstanding.  I can't imagine my life without him.

Realizing that's a funny thought isn't it?  You meet someone and you had a life before them.  Then you create a life together and all of the sudden you are back to recreating your life alone again.  It is easier to move forward with someone then to move backwards without them.  I guess I never imagined this at 38.  But who does.  Like going into a marriage thinking it will end in divorce.  If that was the case, doubt anyone would take on that adventure.

I often wonder if I am strong enough to to do this alone.  Robert was such a communicator.  We talked all the time.  I'm lonely without my love.   Lots of thoughts and no where to safely put them.  Will they explode in my head?  I need him to talk me off the edge.   I don't want to do this.

Obviously not a good day as I am barely keeping it together.  Everything that was is no longer.  People talk about their hearts breaking, over little things.  Like the loss at a sporting event, or not getting into a college... these are not heartbreaking.  The simplicity of those things sting me when I hear them.  I want to scream and shake them.  I know it is their naivety and I am both furious that they don't know how I feel and glad they have not know such pain and suffering.

I don't feel I am strong enough to do this.  Help me love.