Day 7
Morning love.  It's Valentine's Day.  Even though we both agree it is a superficial day, I still want it.  Feels like another way love was callously ripped from me.  FB is full of comments so today I will stay off of it.  Don't want to be with the rest of the world.  Today also marks week 1.  So many things to watch the calendar for and mark off the days, weeks and years.  Count down to Christmas, to a new baby, to a wedding, vacation, birthday, anniversary.  Now all I see is a road map of firsts without you.  I don't want time to move forward.

Yesterday was a long day, but that seems redundant to say now.  Had lunch out with the kids and your family and P.  It was really hard.  Couldn't eat and didn't.  About halfway through lunch a firetruck and ambulance ran down Bellevue Way with the lights and siren blaring.  I lost it.  Thinking of the same vehicles racing to get to you when I couldn't.  When I didn't even know you had been hurt.  I keep thinking I should have known when it happened.  Part of my soul and spirit died with you and I feel like I should have known.

I got angry with you last Tuesday.  Got Addy into bed and waiting for you to call me.  You sent pictures of dinner and texts telling me you were walking back to the hotel and would call me.  You never called.  You know how much that makes me crazy.  I was hesitant to call you in case you were still with colleagues.   We didn't even talk live that day.

Your ashes arrived yesterday.  Took me a few minutes to take them from the Funeral home.  I cannot fathom the love of my life with all of your energy is now just this small thing.  It is like watching your life and mine become dwindled down to things that now don't belong to anyone.  That's it really, I feel like I don't belong anywhere.  My eyes see the world differently and when I think there can be no more pain, I am reminded that again I am wrong.  Everything I knew and believed in is on shifting sand.

Your personal things that were with you were delivered yesterday too.  It feels wrong to go through your things like I am breaking confidence.  I didn't remember that your wedding ring would be in there.  It was carelessly tossed in with everything else.  How dare they take it off of your finger.  You were mine.  I need to find a chain so I can wear it.  You had the most beautiful hands.

Also received a letter from the investment firm.   It was addressed to you with (DECEASED) put next to your name.  It took my breath away.  How dare they put that next to your name.  How dare they put that in the mail for everyone to see my pain.  How dare they make this more real than it already was.  I know they are looking out for my best interest, but.....

Friends still checking in as is PRA.  Today we will retrieve your car from long term parking the airport.  Thought it might smell like you then remembered you put those god awful car freshners in there.  Sickly sweet.  Was never quite sure how you could handle the smell.

PRA continues to work miracles for me.  They are doing everything they can for us and researching all avenues to help.   They keep me informed and follow up with any new details.  Spoke to Kent yesterday and was telling me a story about you and Dawn.  One of the first few phone calls working with Dawn, you went in to the bathroom and peed while on the phone.  It made me laugh.  You made no excuses for how you lived life and it is because you lived it lovingly.  This made me think of the times you would text me if we were in different bathrooms in the house, "Poo 1 to Poo 2, come in Poo 2."  Followed by, "Hope you have success in your endeavors."  Making me smile now.

Be with me today.  It is a big day on so many levels.  Lots of people loving me during a time when I feel unlovable.  Lots of people working hard and doing their best to help.  I couldn't have done this without your family here.  It is easy to be with them and I can see how you turned out as you did.  Your mum and dad raised such a good man.  I am petrified for when they leave.  With them here, it is as if in my imaginary world you are still here.  We are just waiting for you to come home.

I love you baby.  Happy Valentine's Day.  Always yours... ~A