Better day today. Had an outpouring of friends and family calling and touching base. You know my love it is hard for me to admit I am struggling and need help. That is a sign of weakness; which is dumb as I would never tell the kids that. Maybe it is because before you, I never felt I was worth saving, or investing in, or loving. I'm still baffled that you loved me. You could have your pick of charming, brilliant, gorgeous women and you chose me. Really that is why we were perfect for each other. You felt you didn't deserve me and I felt I didn't deserve you.
Just realized I had to go back and change the verbs to past tense. That is one of the many peculiar things about going through this. There is no longer anything current in our relationship. It seems as if my life has become before you and then after you. The middle are of "us" was just too damn short. Don't they say that about life? Meaning it doesn't matter when you were born or when you died, but what you did in the middle. I couldn't have asked for a better middle with you my love.
I don't understand why this happened to us. I often think why did this happen to me, but it didn't just happen to me. It happened to us, you and me. Realizing I sound very shallow and callous leaving out our family and friends. It is not my intention.
I wonder if this would be easier if we had a crappy marriage? Maybe then I would pine for the love we didn't have and beat myself up about not putting my all into it and valuing the relationship more. I did value you. I respected you. I loved you with every part of my heart and soul. I wasn't perfect, but a perfect work in progress. I hope you felt and still feel my love for you.
I really need you to continue to support me and help me get through this. Help me heal so that I can focus on the joy and love that consumed our relationship and not the pain and anguish currently embracing me. Help me finish what we started.
I love you Robert.
xoxoxo
~A
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