Today as most days filled with emotion - took me by surprise. After a long road - the lawsuit is over. Feels anti-climactic and incredibly depressing at the same time. When I got the email from my attorney, tears filled my eyes and some odd cry escaped my mouth. Soon followed by a conversation with Robert, feeling as if he was slipping further away.
That sounds crazy and I'm laughing and crying as I type it. How can someone who is no longer physically here slip further away? I'm realizing life is not meant for sissy's. At least a life that has been lived, often even when you don't want to live it.
So now, I can close the estate file, sell Robert's car, remove his name from our joint checking account.... see slipping further away. As much pain as it brings seeing Robert's car parked in the garage and his name above mine on the checks I rarely use, it is still a way that our physical lives are intertwined.
When there isn't much to reach for you, you reach for anything.
Please know, that I know - physicality is but one dimension. I do believe and know Robert is still with me, with his family and loving his baby girl. And I am blessed for so many reasons in this life, even with losing Robert when I wasn't ready that complaining or throwing a solo pity-party seems un-grateful for all the good and all the joy that surrounds me.
Losing Robert has pushed me to live a different life. A brilliant analogy I heard one time, is you think you have the story of your life written and bound in front of you. The pages glossy, full and predictable. Then when you least expect it, a few paragraphs, pages or shit even whole chapters are casually torn out, cast aside, floating away in the breeze. And you are left with a gap, a hole, a big empty void. Now not only does the beginning of the story not match the end, the end is no longer. So we write and re-write until the new story of our life emerges with every new day, week, month and year, as if this was how it was always meant to be. It doesn't mean however, that you never look back, double checking - to see if the missing pieces have miraculously reappeared.
I'm exhausted, relieved and sad. Yet still I will continue to write and re-write these new parts of the story of my life. I know two things for sure, my life story thus far has not been one I would have anticipated and I'm certain going forward, the same magic and mystery that flows through us all, will continue to surprise me, challenge me and allow me the luxury to truly live.
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