Day 4
Mornings are really hard. I'm not sure why but I lie in bed trying to forget what I have to do and what has happened. If I cocoon myself in blankets maybe I can make this go away. I cannot face another day.
Roberts luggage arrived yesterday. I opened the front door and couldn't move and couldn't breath. Fed Ex had delivered it as if it was just another package. Another item to be checked of the list of things to do. I have watched my love pack that bag so many times preparing for trips. I have loved and hated that bag. Hated that when I saw it I knew he would be leaving me again for a few days.
Sara was here and she brought it inside. I felt myself slipping away again unable to be in this world, in this moment. Sitting in a void of white noise and unseeing eyes. I moved it to the family room and felt this surge of panic rising up in to open the bag as quickly as I could to find a piece of my love. Something would be inside to help me make sense of this. I couldn't find the zipper, where is the damn zipper. After I got his bag open, I was manic trying to find some piece of clothing where I could smell him. Feel him. I found 2 sweaters he had worn and it was as if time stood still. My love was with me. I don't know how long I sat there. Sara joined me and held me and cried with me.
Went to the funeral home and dropped clothes off. The funeral home was old and dated and had the smell of death. Why do they all smell that way? I had a reaffirmation that having a gathering there for Robert would have been so far from anything he wanted. I could hear him cracking inappropriate jokes and attempting to make light of the situation.
Robert's wishes were to be cremated so I have to select an urn. I had no idea there was such a market for urns and accessories. There were two little rooms with a sampling of options as well as multiple catalogs. I wish I was joking when I say that. Ultimately I will release Robert out into the world and scatter his ashes. But for now, I need to hold on.
I will open up our home on Sunday to celebrate Robert's life. He would not want black funeral attire and somber stories and quietly talking. He would want laughter and tears and reminiscing. He would want witty, catty comments and a plethora of different music. He was in love with the new Adam Lambert song as well as Adele, Seal and George Michael. Did you know Robert could do the moon walk? The very first time he showed me this talent, he was naked. I smile now thinking of it even through my tears. There is a part of me that wishes all of you knew him like I did and part that was me to keep him hidden away because he was such a find.
Dear Amy,
ReplyDeleteI don't know you, and to be honest, I haven't known Robert. I never heard of his name before that tragical incident happend, which is so unbelievably sad that it took my breath away when the email was spread. I cannot imagine how I would feel, if the same damn thing happended to me, well, I am only 26, that makes me younger ald way less mature but I think, the feeling and the idea of not being able to go on would cross my mind from the very first minute. I can not even imagine how it must feel if the love of someone's live has been taken away and you are just.. powerless. Powerless to stop it, powerless to face it, powerless to even think of going on... moving on. When I was 8 years old, I lost my grandfather (I grew up at my grannies home) on my grandmother's birthday. I was way too young to comprehense what was happening. 9 years later I lost my grandmother, without any notice and alarm signs she passed away at home, while she was feeling strong and healthy the day before. I suddenly implemented the feeling that as of this moment I was all alone in the world. Things I tend to ask my granny, had to be un-answered as there was nobody to ask those kind of questions. In Situations where I needed comfort and just a shoulder who understands me no matter what, there will be no one anymore holding that position. I didn't want to go through all her belongings, the things she left here, it felt like a betrayal, and everything was so... unreal. It did't feel like she was dead, it felt like she was.. just running errands and coming back home any minute. But she never did anymore. I feel your pain when you say the words that you do not want to know how to plan a funeral, or how to let go the one person you thought was with you until eternity. I felt the same way as there was this feeling of unwillingness. In the mornings I woke up and did what I had to do, but I was unable to re-capture. I wasn't doing the things with awareness, I moved like a zombie, driven by something I was unsure of, making me doing and learning whatever needs to be done. Making me being grown up in with small little instant when the heart of my beloved grandmother stopped beating. I know that there will be no word, no story, no anecdote who will ever come near to helping you to get over your loss. No words will ever justify, explain or make the pain go away. But sometimes it helps to know that there are persons out there who feel with you. Who understand how you feel and who are with you in that hardest time.
I always thought, that if someone passes away, you forget how he looked someday, how he speaks, the sound his voice makes when there is something funny... but the truth is: it never goes away. You will never lose hwat you have inside your soul, all the memories, the beautiful things, all that, what made this love whole for you remains - inside of you. There will be days, when you feel stronger-ish, and there will be days when you will be a mess. You will find a way, someday, to laugh again, and you will learn, that you not have to be ashamed of it. Without knowing Robert, I know, that this is something, everyone wants for their beloved ones when they pass away. They want them to find a way to be strong, happy and most of all healthy. Those may sound like empty words, but I really sending all my love and strength to you, because I know you need it.
I truly thing that having a blog where you can write down all the stuff you feel is a great way of dealing with it. Writing helped me alot in every situation of my life, because paper (and of course the internet) is patient. There is nothing to be ashamed of, nothing which needed to be re-done. However you feel, share it, and the moment it's written down, there's a tiny tiny tiny bit of weight off your heart.
I am sending you all my compassion, my love, my strength and my thoughts.
S