Day 5 - Yesterday's post didn't get finished.  I sat in bed typing and crying and your mum and sister crawled onto the bed with me.  The mornings seem to much to bear as it has the promise of another forever day without you by my side.   It takes all my will to get out of bed.

I got to see you yesterday.  I'm sorry about the funeral home.  It was horrid.  I wanted to crawl in and lie next to you.  Just hold you and feel you once more.  I realized in that moment that the pain is so different for us all.  I lost my husband, you mum lost her only son, your sister her brother and your children their father.   All the different ways you meant so much to us.  I stayed as long as they would let me.  I pulled a chair up beside you, placed my head on the casket, and stroked you.  I was warned not to touch your skin, but I did.  How could I not touch those hands and that beautiful face.  I kept wishing you to breath to wake up.  Your mum had to pull me away.  Tell me that was just your case, not you.  That you were not inside anymore.  Though it is true and at the core of my being I know it, it was still a slap in the face.  I think I held out hope that if I loved you enough, was good enough, kind enough, made the right deal with the devil, you would come back to me.

Today is the open house to celebrate and honor you.  The outpouring from family, friends and your work colleagues has been such a blessing.  Something I will never be able to repay or even convey how much it has meant to me.  I walk through the days in a haze.

Sam and Steph are doing ok.  You would be so proud of them.  I made Sam hug me yesterday far too many times than he wanted to.  They both allowed me to comfort them and keep them close.  They were a comfort to me as well.  I do see so much of you in them in different ways.  They are the best parts of you.  It broke my heart when Steph said she would understand if I wanted to sever ties with them.  I hugged her and kissed and told her that would never happen.  I told them both they are stuck with me and I will forever be their wicked stepmother.  If they try to get rid of me I will hunt them down.   Sam/Steph/Addy took the dogs for a walk yesterday and Carol took pictures of them walking away and the word family came to mind.  Lovey - we did it.  Not how we wanted to but we did it.  I will watch over them and guide them and love them enough for the two of us.

I am slowly realizing that I will survive this.  Not because I want to but because I have no choice.  I know that you are suffering as you have caused me to hurt.  You were so careful with my heart.  I feel I have let you down because I couldn't save you from this pain. I wasn't there with you holding your hand.  Even when you were gone, I couldn't protect your body from the trauma of the autopsy, the cold sterile medical examiners office, two different funeral homes, the list just goes on.  I don't want anyone touching you.  Their rough and professional hands on your body.  I wish I could have protected you.

Please know that there is surprisingly some laughter found in this time.  Our relationship was built on witty, catty, off-color, twisted and completely inappropriate comments and jokes.   There is humor in everything as you have taught me if we allow.  It feels good to remember you like this.
  
I love you Robert more than I ever thought I could love someone.   I will carry on our last adventure together.  Will you stay with me for this?  Be by my side, help me be strong.  Thinking of you every second of the day....

Always yours,
~A

PS:  Another friend of yours lost her husband.  She is my age.  Your colleagues have put us in touch and I think we will be able to comfort each other.  I feel so much for her and a connection I cannot explain.  I wish I could take away her pain.