Day 8 - Happy Birthday my angel. Here or in heaven you are and will always be my angel. My hope for you today is that you are celebrating with your dad. I am feeling for you mum today. Losing her husband 19 years ago on this day and your birthday. The 2 men in her life gone, both way too soon and both without an opportunity to say goodbye. I cannot fathom her pain. Please be with her today and bring your dad along. I wish I could take away her hurt.
Today seems like another day of endless tasks that need to be done. It is good in someways to be moving and doing something, but I don't want to do these things. Sorting through more paperwork and attempting to get things in order. Spoke to the estate attorney yesterday and have that process started. Making so many lists of things I need to check into, not sure how I will do it all. Was able to get into your email yesterday as well which felt like a huge violation of your privacy. And yet, I wanted to find one more piece of you, maybe an email partially drafted and not sent to me....
Got your car back from the airport. That was a bit of a nightmare. Needed your car keys which were with you and your license plate. Once we had these, it was relatively easy. Sadly, people tend to become quite helpful when you are crying and tell them your husband passed away on a business trip... I think most people simply want me to hang up the phone or walk away. The pain is so real and no one really knows what to say to me, how to deal with me... I do believe it also makes people think, "What if that was me?" I know I would have done that.
I hate hearing strangers say, "I'm so sorry for your loss." What the hell do they know? They didn't know you or me or our life? It is something they have been taught to say, proper etiquette. It is nothing more than hearing, "how are you?" Particularly as most people don't mean it. Hollow words. And yet, I do my part and say, "thank you." Thank you for what? Lovey - COME HOME!
Great, now I'm crying again. I really had no idea that the body could produce so many tears. I can hear putting on your science hat and filling me in on the wonders of the body and how it all works. I have no idea how you retained everything you learned. So brilliant you are.
Today I feel a bit numb. I just cannot understand what I did to deserve this and why you were taken from me. Karen says we will find meaning in the meaningless. Nice sentiment but a bunch of shit. I don't care what the meaning is nor do I need this lesson. I just want you, even if just for a minute. To see your face, hear your voice, fall into your arms as they are the only place I have ever felt at home, at peace... I love you Robert and on this day, your birthday, know that I am loving you even more than yesterday. You will always own my heart.
~A
What a wonderful post this was.
ReplyDeleteI think, in the end, I may call it "eternity" everything will fall into place again. I do not know, if it is truly "Heaven" or some nice place else, but whereever it may be, and whatever it may be, everything will fall into place again. Lovers will find again their other halfs, Parents will find again their children, dogs will find again their owners and even the old pair of favorite shoes will once again be as good as new.
I know the feeling that you hate it when strangers say "sorry for your loss" because sometimes, people don't mean it and say it, like you wrote, only because they were told to. But there are also those people, who really mean it, because they are compassionate. Those people are the ones, who don't expect an answer, a smile or a "thank you" - because they know for you it is hard to.
I also wnated to say thank you for making me remember episodes of my life, which I haven't thought of for quite some time. Reading about your feelings and what you have to say makes me remember some things too. I know that this is not your intention, but I just wanted to tell you, that with your blogging, you help others, too.
Lots of strength and power to you on that special day.
S