I lost the love of my life on Tuesday night at 7:45 pm. I need a vent, a place to release this unbearable pain. It is like the world is compressing me from all sides and no matter how small I get it doesn't stop. I am unsure how to move forward and want desperately to go back in time for one more look, word, touch, kiss. I never thought this kind of pain was possible. The word pain doesn't even come close. The pain I thought I felt before pales in comparison.
I was blessed to have Robert in my life. He was an incredible man. One that I felt blessed to be in his presence and so incredibly proud to be called his wife. Our relationship was filled with love and wicked, often inappropriate humor. He got me, from the very first time we met. I knew he was where my heart belonged.
This blog is for me. A place to remember, grieve, love, get pissed off and whatever else comes with becoming a widow at 38. I feel incredibly unprepared for this venture as if I am trying to grow up too soon. I don't have the capacity nor do I want the capacity to deal with this. I don't want to know how to plan a funeral. I don't want to release the one person in this world that I knew had my back and would give up everything to make sure I was ok. He loved me in such a way that I did feel I could conquer the world. I wish that for everyone. And that my friends is why this hurts so damn much.
Thank you to all that have contacted me and the people supporting me. I didn't expect it and am overwhelmed with the compassion. It is hard for me to ask for help as I see it as a sign of weakness. I am a very private person and tend to put walls. The walls are down and I am exposed. Please be gentle.
And to my Robert - I miss you. I need you. I want to save you from pain. I love you with such abandonment. Suzie took the Amgen picture of you yesterday and had it blown up and framed. You are gorgeous. I slept with this last night. Stroked your face and hair. Kissed you with a million kisses. Feel asleep holding you. Oh my love, come back. Come back and tell me this was a joke gone bad. Come back and save me. Is it too much to ask you to save me twice in this life?
If Robert could, he would tell you that you will forever hold the key to his heart, and he is so sorry to have had to leave you this way, and watch you suffer so. He felt so blessed to have found such a twin flame to share time with. Nothing compared in his existance here, to the way he cherished you and little Addy. His girls.
ReplyDeleteYou made him so happy and he is so thankful for having had the chance to feel and experience the magnificance and awesomeness of the love you shared. No words could express the feelings of oneness you shared.
You will emerge from this darkness in your life and relish in the gift of cherished memories you were granted with the time you shared together.
Take life nanoseconds at a time, move up to seconds, minutes, and you will begin to take your first steps back into life.
I empathize with you, unbearable heartache, so big it feels like it has taken over your entire being and screams obscenities at life from every cell of your body for having done such a cruel thing as having experienced pure love, and having it ripped from you heart and soul.
Everyone who cares for and loves you, Robert and Addy are suffering along with you. Such a tragedy that we all weep, because we know how special the halo of love that radiates between the two of you is.
You have every right to feel every emotion you are experiencing. The trueness of your suffering only serves to validate the reality, existance, and power of things that cannot be physically measured, seen, or touched. Love;spirit;belief.
Some future moment you too will shed your suit of flesh and be eternally reunited with your soul's other half; which you were granted a glimpse of future joy to come, that will last for eternity, and the pain of the body will be gone. There is good reason to persevere with the extreme challenges life has heaped on you, and she looks at you everyday. Love still lives in your life unconditionally, just in other forms. Blessings, grace and comfort to you. It is not fair that you should suffer so. Would that we could remove any pain in your life! But then how could we ever know what it is to feel joy?
May many unseen hands support you and carry you through these times that you cannot bear.
I do not know who wrote this, but it is beautiful and I will read it many times. It has captured so much of how I feel and allows for small hope of survival. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
ReplyDeleteAmy, our inadequate words are our attempt to express the depth of loss we feel - for you and with you. "Loss" doesn't cover it, tho', does it?
ReplyDeleteMy wish is that you find peace.
My reassurance is that Robert will be with you always.