Something big happened last night. I have waited and longed for something from Robert. A message, a sign, a glimpse of him, something. I've begged him, I've cried to him, I've screamed at him. You hear about it happening all the time. Why can't it happen to me, for me?
I have avoided, not surprisingly, anything and everything pertaining to romance or intimate relationships. Too painful. See the movie The Vow, hell no. Before I would go to these movies happily and realize I had what was on the movie screen. I didn't long for this romantic, all consuming love because I had with with Robert. I always left these movies feeling grateful and more in love with my husband because he was so gentle with my heart. He did the goofy things that some men may find weak or cheesy. Yet I assure you being on the receiving end, just made me feel loved and secure.
On my birthday this year, Robert was traveling for work. He took a video of himself in his hotel room, singing happy birthday to me. He took pictures of everything ( and I mean everything) when he traveled and sent them to me. To keep us connected and share with me where he was and what he was doing. In fact the night he passed, he sent me pictures of his empty sushi plate, a "party" bus outside of his hotel that he was convinced was there for him and sneaky pictures of folks in the meetings he was in during the day.
Robert worked at our relationship. I realize now more so than I did. He took the time to do the little things and the big things. Not surprising if you knew him. That is just "how he was." He didn't want any kudos or praise as it was innately who he was.
Anyhow the point of this post, I finally got my message from Robert. I ended up catching on a tv show as I was flipping channels of a passionate kiss between a couple. I lost it. I mean hit the floor, sobbing, snot running down my nose onto my lips - broken, again. There is such loneliness that consumes this space and time. It is constant, never ending, suffocating. It is as if someone is sitting on my chest and breathing becomes painfully laborious. I am envious of everyone that gets to get to bed with their partner, to kiss them, to feel them, to smell them, to fight with them....
Cannot stay focused today. I get myself up into bed with tissue and sappy 106.9 with Delilah. If I'm going to blow it, I'm going to blow it big. Lying in the dark on my side facing the radio, talking to Robert. Telling how much I miss him, love him, need him, wasn't ready to say goodbye, am so lonely, afraid and the list goes on. Always comes back to loving and missing him. Cue the radio.... This song comes on... the room gets quiet, my body stills and I know without any doubt that Robert is there. He is with me. I can feel him with such certainty that it startles me. He is telling me to listen. The song that plays is Wherever you will go by the Calling. The words are breath taking. I lay listening, crying and relishing in this moment of knowing Robert is with me, talking to me through music.
For those of you that haven't gone through something like this, I'm sure it sounds crazy. I pray you never have to experience anything like this, but I do believe in things like this. Always have and this has cemented my beliefs. Robert loved music. He lived for it. Loved all kinds of music. It spoke to him and through him. He used his love of music to reach me. I had a flash of him searching for the perfect song. One that I would recognize as being from him, specifically chosen. Even though the sentiment of the song breaks my heart because I don't want anyone else, I want him, I get it.
Rather than simply post the lyrics, I've put a link to the song. Take a moment and listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57z95p_xwes
Thank you love. I hear you.... xoxox
I wanted to write you for a long time, but have always feared that I will not say “the right thing”, didn’t want to be the Mother of Platitudes in Times of Apocalypse. What you are going through right now is similar to hitting a patch of ice in a dark empty road. Having lived in the Midwest and Europe, I experienced the sheer terror of it. No matter what you do, you can’t get control of the car. There is no relationship between what you are doing with the steering wheel and brakes and what the vehicle you’re in is doing with you. You seem to pick up speed instead of slow down as you swoop sickeningly from one side of the highway to the other. Not knowing whether or not you will crash or what you’ll crash into, not knowing where you will land or how.
ReplyDeleteAnd although our stories are different, they are the same in many ways, which is why I thought of you. What continues to help me during this spiraling out of control is holding tight to what I know for sure, to those I love: my kids, what’s left of my family, my friends, my God (still struggle here) and my job (I share the same excitement for my job as your husband once did). The madness will stop, sooner or later. What you/I are going through is a major mindmuck. All the terms change. Some are rewritten for you, others you rewrite yourself—personally, practically, professionally, romantically, sexually, financially, logistically and otherwise. We will come out of this experience transformed.
I read the following paragraph somewhere, and I think it’s so true: “I used to see a butterfly in my mind’s eye every time I heard the word transformation, but life has schooled me. Transformation isn’t a butterfly. It’s the thing before you get to be a pretty bug flying away. It’s huddling in the dark cocoon and then pushing your way out. It’s the messy work you have ahead of you, of making sense of your fortunes and misfortunes, desires and doubts, hangups and sorrows, actions and accidents, mistakes and successes, so you can go on and become the person you must next become.” Big bear hugs.